MeetRosalind Sedacca, CCT Rosalind Sedacca is an author, an award-winning professional speaker, and Certified Corporate Trainer specializing in both communication and relationship issues. She has facilitated workshops and seminars throughout North America on creating 'conscious' relationships for both singles and couples. Based on her own personal experience, she wrote How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! This internationally acclaimed ebook provides an innovative new approach to breaking the divorce news to your children and setting the stage for positive parenting ahead. At Rosalind's Child-Centered Divorce Network parents will find resources and tools to help them create successful outcomes for the entire family in the months, years and decades to come.
"Rosalind's book is unique in that it offers parents an innovative approach to having that difficult and usually dreaded initial conversation with their children and making it as positive and supportive as possible. A parent contemplating a divorce would be well served by reading this valuable book."
Raoul Felder,Celebrity Divorce Attorney
"Rosalind's brilliant book's non-judgmental, compassionate and no-nonsense approach will resonate with all divorcing parents – even those with the most challenging relationships. It is a critical piece of the divorce puzzle, and a must read!"
Cynthia Tiano, Esq."I highly recommend this as more than a book, but a tool to assist children to more successfully navigate the disorientation and maze that comes as part of divorce."
C. Paul Wanio, Ph.D., LMFT, LMHC"This hands-on interactive storybook is a must for all parents going through a divorce. It is a step-by-step guide for appropriately including children in the process. No parent should leave their home without it!"
Sally Goldberg, PhDCenter for Successful Children
"Rosalind Sedacca has invaluable information to share with divorcing parents. There is no other book a couple needs to help them with the most difficult conversation a parent can have with a child, that their parents are getting divorced. You are VERY lucky to have found my partner in the peaceful divorce movement."
Belinda Rachman, Esq"Rosalind Sedacca has just improved the lives of countless children. I have practiced divorce law for 44 years and will attest to the importance of how children are introduced to their parents' divorce. How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? gives us something simple and sound to rely upon. There is absolutely no downside to Rosalind's storybook concept. It's all good and it beats anything else that I've come across. In fact, it's great and it is definitely something that the world has needed. The book is a winner and it is also a lifesaver."
J. Richard Kulerski, Esq"Rosalind Sedacca has made a monumental contribution to self-help resources in an area that affects the lives of millions of men, women and children. After 32 years of counseling people in various stages of uncoupling, I can testify to the urgent need of a "how to" guide for people contemplating divorce. This book offers them a "life preserver." I have already referred my patients to this material and have received great feedback. I cannot recommend this book highly enough."
Beverly Gibel, LCSW, ACSW, BCD"Rosalind Sedacca's 'How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE?' is a much needed breakthrough in the emotional minefield that parents traverse when they prepare their children for an impending divorce. The template, storybook strategy sends sensitive, kind, loving and safe messages which every child needs as they prepare for the scary unknown. I recommend her book for everyone who has children and is contemplating divorce."
Jack Singer, Ph.D.Licensed Clinical & Forensic Psychologist, LCSW, ACSW, BCD
Divorce Alert: Tuning In To Your Child’s Feelings
Here is an excellent article written by Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT. Dr. Wanio is one of the contributors to my new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? I know you’ll find his checklist a valuable asset for tuning in to your children before, during and after your divorce. Print out and keep this information handy so you can refer to it whenever needed.
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Below is a checklist of feelings a child typically experiences when facing their parent’s divorce. Review it yourself first and then use it as a springboard for discussion with your child. This list was compiled by Dr. Paul Wanio, one of the psychotherapists who contributes to my up-coming book, “How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?” Dr. Wanio suggests, “Even if your child is reluctant to admit to some of the feelings listed, you can say, “Okay, but if you did ever feel like that, I could understand it, and it would be okay for us to talk about … okay?” He says you can also ask, “Do you ever feel angry with me? Well, I can understand it if you do and I still love you even when you’re angry. Do you ever worry about…?”
Review the checklist to identify troubling issues, clarify misconceptions and reassure your child that he/she is loved, cared for, not at fault, and that things will work out.
Go over each category without presuming you already know how your child will respond. Check any items that your child is currently experiencing, that you would like to come back to, or that you would like your former spouse to take note of and discuss. (Some of these may also apply to yourself.)
[ ] SHOCK AND DENIAL: “It can’t be happening.”
[ ] ANGER: “How could you do this to me?”
[ ] DEPRESSION AND DESPAIR: “There’s no hope, no future, no love,
no answers.”
[ ] EMBARRASSMENT: “What will others think? Something is wrong with
me and/or my family.”
[ ] GUILT: “It’s my fault; I’m to blame.”
[ ] SELF-BLAME: “You’re an adult so you must be right and I must be
wrong (bad); you can do no wrong — after all, you’re Mommy/Daddy!;
one of my parents left (me) so I must be bad; God is punishing me
for being bad.”
[ ] NO CONTROL, HELPLESSNESS, AFRAID AND INSECURE:
“What will I do; where will I live; who do I choose between; why is
this happening; who can I trust; how does love turn to hate; will I
lose both my Mom and my Dad; what becomes of me; who is in
charge; who has the answers; who IS the adult or parent around here
anyway; what will happen?”
[ ] ALONE, MISUNDERSTOOD AND CONFUSED: “I didn’t mean to wet
the bed; I don’t know why I hit Tommy; I didn’t mean to yell at you; I don’t
know why I said I hate you; I don’t know why I don’t know why; I’m not
trying to be mean; I don’t know why I’m so quiet either.”
[ ] VULNERABLE AND UNPROTECTED: “If you can leave each other — a
once impossible notion — maybe you can leave me too; I’m afraid when
you leave me alone; will you come back; who will take care of me;
who will take care of you; how will we live; if Mom and Dad can’t
seem to help themselves, how can they help me?”
[ ] RELUCTANCE TO EXPRESS FEELINGS: “If I tell you how I really feel,
will you still love me; will you think I’m taking sides; will you think
I don’t love you; will my feelings make you go away or hate me or not
want me; will I hurt YOUR feelings terribly?”
[ ] DEEP SADNESS: “I’ve lost my own Mom/Dad; I’ve lost a part of
myself, my family, my world, and nothing can fill up that ‘hole’ ever again.”
[ ] BETRAYAL: “MY parents actually have done the unthinkable. They have
gone against the unwritten (and written) universal code to always stay
together and take care of their child… me. How could they?”
If you find that some of these questions are difficult to answer or that you can’t seem to find the right words, be sure to contact a psychotherapist, mental health or religious counselor. Just one visit can be extremely helpful in assisting you to find the support, strength and appropriate words in answering your child. You both deserve answers.
Dr. Wanio is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boca Raton and Lake Worth, Florida. He is a contributor to Rosalind Sedacca’s new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Fill-in-the-Blanks Storybook to Prepare Your Children With Love! To learn about the book, go to http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For Rosalind’s ezine and other articles on child-centered divorce, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com, a website focused on putting children’s needs first when parents divorce.
7 Responses
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While Dr. Wanio’s modifications of the commonly accepted grief stages of denial – anger – bargaining – depression – acceptance, originally introduced by Kubler-Ross, are plausible, they seem to lack a recovery perspective that starts with the fifth stage of acceptance, then continues toward renewal. All the more rationale for Rosalind Sedacca’s advocacy of a prescriptive formula for recovery!
Telling our seven year old daughter will truly be the hardest thing I have ever had to do (same for my wife). For seven years we have been telling her, when she asks about friends whose parents have divorced, “you will never have to worry about that, Mommy and Daddy will always be married”. Wow, talk about trust issues. The hardest part for me is that I don’t want the divorce – but if our daughter is to ever have a normal relationship with her mother, I have to pretend that “we” have decided… that we have made this decision together… that we both feel that this is best.
I have been the primary care giver as I am one of the new stay-at-home-Dads. Our bond is unbelievable and I will do anything, make any sacrifice necessary in her best interest. What worries me most is that this is teaching her that when the going gets tough, you leave. Her grandmother on her Mom’s side has been married 4 times, her Grandfather two. I think that history enabled my wife to turn to divorce as a solution instead of trying to work it out first. She didn’t tell me that there was a problem until she had already made up her mind. At our first marriage counseling session, her answer to the question “why are you two here?”, was “to get divorced with out hurting our daughter”.
Another huge issue I am worried about is that logistically, it makes more sense for me to be the one to leave the house and find a new. My home based business leaves me with much more flexible time to deal with a move. My fear is that all my daughter will see is “ME” leaving. I am not sure that there is anything that we can say to a seven year old that will help her understand that reasoning. I am thankful that my wife wants to share custody and have equal time with her. At least my daughter will know that I still want to be with her.
Your website, book, and news letters have been a great help and comfort during this extremely delicate and trying time. Keep up the good work. Those of us who find ourselves faced with the divorce/children issue need all the guidance and support we can find in this climate of declining family values.
Sincerely,
A.K. Atlanta, GA
Thank you for your comments and kind words of support for my work.
I feel deep compassion for you and acknowledge you for your awareness and caring decisions made on behalf of your daughter. I understand your fears regarding how your daughter will understand all the changes going on around her. Please don’t underestimate the strength of your close relationship with her. She loves and trusts you and you will not let her down.
If you contact me through email via my website we can discuss some options that might be of value to you at this time.
Very best wishes to you.
Rosalind
MY EXPERIENCE IS SIMILAR TO A.K.’S EXCEPT THAT I ALSO HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. SHORTLY AFTER OUR CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAYS IN JANUARY MY WIFE OF 11 YEARS TOLD ME SHE FILED FOR DIVORCE & WANTED ME TO LEAVE QUICKLY. I WAS IN SHOCK & TRIED TO GET HER TO SEE A PASTOR OR COUNSELOR WITH ME BUT SHE REFUSED. I FOUND OUT THROUGH E-MAILS THAT SHE HAD MET ANOTHER “CHRISTIAN” MAN & USED OUR OLDEST DAUGHTER’S DRIVING LESSONS AS A WAY TO MEET HIM. I HAD TO LEAVE TO KEEP MY WIFE FROM INCREASING HER VERBAL TANTRUMS TO WHERE IT WOULD HARM THE GIRLS.
I NOW HAVE TO THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN DEBT JUST TO GET ENOUGH TIME WITH MY GIRLS. MY 7 YEAR OLD IS VERY CLOSE TO ME. MY WIFE HAS REFUSED TO LET ME TAKE HER TO SEE MY COUNSELOR EVEN THOUGH SHE WANTS TO GO.
I HAVE NEVER MADE A COMMENT LIKE THIS BEFORE BUT I HAVE FOUND THAT SHARING WITH OTHERS HELPS TO GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO KEEP GOING.
SINCERELY,
R.B.
CANTON, OHIO
Thanks for sharing your story with us, R.B. I hear your frustrations and wish there was an easy answer for you. It would be so valuable for your wife and children to have access to professional counselors who can help her understand the consequences of keeping your girls from you. It is a long-term mistake that she will later regret.
Do stay in touch with compassionate members of the divorced community who understand your circumstances and can lend support or other valuable suggestions as you move ahead. Knowledge is power, so stay informed. Be sure to communicate from your heart to your wife without putting her on the defensive. Focus on your children’s needs, not your own. Hopefully she will get the message that your girls want and need a strong relationship with their Dad!
Sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca,CCT
Thanks for posting the article.
The last 6 items in the checklist describe my feelings perfectly. I’m currently seeing a counselor and I will bring this checklist so that I can get some advice on facing these issues. My parents were divorced 38 years ago when I was 4 and I’m just beginning to see what an impact it has had on my life and relationships.
I hope that this will help me to repair the broken trust that I have had for so long.
Thanks again.
You’re very welcome, Mike. I’m glad this material is helpful to you. It’s never too late to heal from early emotional wounds. It will make a positive difference in your life!