MeetRosalind Sedacca, CCT Rosalind Sedacca is an author, an award-winning professional speaker, and Certified Corporate Trainer specializing in both communication and relationship issues. She has facilitated workshops and seminars throughout North America on creating 'conscious' relationships for both singles and couples. Based on her own personal experience, she wrote How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! This internationally acclaimed ebook provides an innovative new approach to breaking the divorce news to your children and setting the stage for positive parenting ahead. At Rosalind's Child-Centered Divorce Network parents will find resources and tools to help them create successful outcomes for the entire family in the months, years and decades to come.
"Rosalind's book is unique in that it offers parents an innovative approach to having that difficult and usually dreaded initial conversation with their children and making it as positive and supportive as possible. A parent contemplating a divorce would be well served by reading this valuable book."
Raoul Felder,Celebrity Divorce Attorney
"Rosalind's brilliant book's non-judgmental, compassionate and no-nonsense approach will resonate with all divorcing parents – even those with the most challenging relationships. It is a critical piece of the divorce puzzle, and a must read!"
Cynthia Tiano, Esq."I highly recommend this as more than a book, but a tool to assist children to more successfully navigate the disorientation and maze that comes as part of divorce."
C. Paul Wanio, Ph.D., LMFT, LMHC"This hands-on interactive storybook is a must for all parents going through a divorce. It is a step-by-step guide for appropriately including children in the process. No parent should leave their home without it!"
Sally Goldberg, PhDCenter for Successful Children
"Rosalind Sedacca has invaluable information to share with divorcing parents. There is no other book a couple needs to help them with the most difficult conversation a parent can have with a child, that their parents are getting divorced. You are VERY lucky to have found my partner in the peaceful divorce movement."
Belinda Rachman, Esq"Rosalind Sedacca has just improved the lives of countless children. I have practiced divorce law for 44 years and will attest to the importance of how children are introduced to their parents' divorce. How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? gives us something simple and sound to rely upon. There is absolutely no downside to Rosalind's storybook concept. It's all good and it beats anything else that I've come across. In fact, it's great and it is definitely something that the world has needed. The book is a winner and it is also a lifesaver."
J. Richard Kulerski, Esq"Rosalind Sedacca has made a monumental contribution to self-help resources in an area that affects the lives of millions of men, women and children. After 32 years of counseling people in various stages of uncoupling, I can testify to the urgent need of a "how to" guide for people contemplating divorce. This book offers them a "life preserver." I have already referred my patients to this material and have received great feedback. I cannot recommend this book highly enough."
Beverly Gibel, LCSW, ACSW, BCD"Rosalind Sedacca's 'How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE?' is a much needed breakthrough in the emotional minefield that parents traverse when they prepare their children for an impending divorce. The template, storybook strategy sends sensitive, kind, loving and safe messages which every child needs as they prepare for the scary unknown. I recommend her book for everyone who has children and is contemplating divorce."
Jack Singer, Ph.D.Licensed Clinical & Forensic Psychologist, LCSW, ACSW, BCD
Magical Thinking: When Children of Divorce Blame Themselves
By Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT
For children, there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Their imaginations are very powerful and they may see unreal monsters that live in closets or under beds which inspire real fears. They will also believe that their thoughts can cause real events to happen “magically.”
For example, if a child is angry at one of his/her parents and that parent is hurt or has an accident, the child may feel secretly guilty and responsible for “causing” the accident (or divorce) because of having “bad” thoughts, “ill feelings” or “nasty wishes” about Mommy or Daddy.
In believing that a person can cause things to happen just by thinking or wishing it, “magical thinking” serves a special purpose for the child. It helps the child to feel a sense of power and control over life. (“If I can make bad things happen, I can also make good things happen — I can have the world just the way that I want it. I can make Mommy and Daddy okay again!”)
This type of thinking is a natural part of childhood development and helps a child to cope with reality and feel secure.
Because of the need for a child to make sense of life, the child unwittingly tries to make sense of the impending divorce through “magical thinking” that goes something like this: “I can cause Mommy and Daddy to be angry or happy. Since I cause things to happen, I must have caused the divorce and everything else to happen. Since I cause ‘bad’ things to happen, I must be “bad.” If I’m “bad” then I’m at fault and to blame. If I’m to blame, then I’m responsible. If I’m responsible, then it’s up to me to fix everything!”
The child will further conclude, “It’s not that something is wrong with Mommy and Daddy or that they have a problem (an overwhelming thought). No, something is wrong with me! I am the problem. Period. That’s it! It makes sense! Now, if I can just figure out what to do, everything will be okay again!”
This line of thinking obviously creates an impossible and overwhelming dilemma for the child. However, it also offers the child hope, a kind of “solution” and a feeling of security. It offers this by making sense to the child. (“It’s not my world, parents or God who have a problem or are “wrong.” It’s me! What a relief! For a moment I thought that the world was unreliable, untrustworthy, “crazy,” unpredictable and unloving, but no, no, it’s just me.”)
Because a child is still dependent upon his/her parents, it becomes too threatening to believe that the chaos and instability brought about by divorce represents how life really is. So, the child creates an imaginative and clever solution in order to cope. The solution may be harmful for the child (self-blame), but at least it appears to make life sensible and bearable.
To the degree that the child holds on to this self-blaming (and it can be held onto for a lifetime), the child’s self-esteem, growth and joy will be diminished. To counter this tendency, the child must be shown that:
— he/she is not to blame for your divorce
— a major decision such as divorce is and can only be made by parents, not children
— parents are ultimately responsible and in charge of what happens in the family, and
— he/she is an important person who is loved and will be listened to, talked with, and
cared for.
* * *
Dr. Wanio is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at DrPaulWanio@aol.com. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more about the book, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on this subject visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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