Celebrity divorces have become so prevalent many of us shrug our shoulders when the word gets out. It’s hard to be surprised by the news. Their fast-track life makes long-term relationship success challenging at best. When you combine god-like beauty with adoring fans, abundant sexual temptations, crazy travel schedules, “rock-star” pampering, constant media attention, boundless wealth and a life lived in front of cameras, there’s little wonder that marriage fail at such a high rate.

Sadly a high percentage of those celebrities are also parents. That means their children are subjected to the fear, anxiety, depression and other negative consequences of divorce. This is when celebrities are faced with the same question as every other divorced parent: how can I best safeguard my children?

When Heidi Klum and Seal announced their divorce, Seal addressed the issue in an interview with Billy Bush. With four children – two daughters aged 7 and 2 and two sons, aged 6 and 5 — his comments showed a real understanding of key issues that can affect their well-being. When asked how they told the children and what they know, Seal said, “Just explained to them that things will be different, you know, without going into too much detail. But a lot of things won’t change.”

Focusing attention on how some parts of life will be changing while others will stay the same is a good way to approach the subject with children. It reminds them that life will go on – much of it the same as always. In my book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? I also suggest parents talk about change as a normal part of life – something not to be feared. We change hair styles, grades in school, clothing styles, sports and other activities as we grow. Diffusing the fear of change and new experiences is helpful for kids when facing their parents’ divorce.

“The main thing,” Seal continued, “is to make sure that they feel that they’re loved, make sure that they understand that their parents love each other, make sure that they understand if there are any changes, it has absolutely nothing to do with them.”

This too, was a wise message to share with their children. In fact, listed in How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? are Six Key Messages Every Child Needs to Hear. Seal covered two of them:

1) The divorce is not your fault

2) You are and always will be loved.

The other four messages include:

3) Mom and Dad will always be your parents.

4) You are, and will continue to be, safe.

5) This is about change, not about blame.

6) Things will work out okay.

 Of course, it is essential that both parents live up to these messages and learn how to co-parent their children responsibly and maturely. If they don’t, the emotional and psychological hurt for the children can last a lifetime.

Seal stressed that as a couple their kids’ welfare “will always come first.” If they step up and achieve that goal, their children will indeed be fortunate. One move in the right direction is Seal’s intention to maintain a home base in Los Angeles so he can stay close to his children when he’s not traveling overseas.

Many studies have shown that it isn’t divorce per se that damages children. It’s how parents approach the divorce and the stability they provide for their children in the years ahead. Here’s hoping Klum and Seal take that to heart. If they become role models for celebrity divorces their children will reap the benefits of divorce done right!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! Her free ebook for parents – Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, along with other valuable resources can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

Богородица

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Whether your divorce is pending or five years behind you, your children continue to process the reality according to their age and level of understanding. There are several concepts that cause the most emotional turmoil for children. Being aware of these sensitive areas can help parents address these issues more effectively.

As your children age they may revisit your divorce with more questions, confusion or insecurity. That’s why it’s essential that you have answers ready based on a keen understanding of how children internalize a divorce – even long after it’s over.

There are two major concepts that can create the most emotional pain for children. The first has to do with blame and the second with unrealistic expectations. Here are some suggestions for handling these common challenges.

Children keep blaming themselves for the divorce – even after it’s over!

Regardless of what their parents may tell them, many children still believe they are the reason for their parent’s divorce. This is especially so if the children have heard their parents fighting about the kids and related parenting issues. It’s easy for a child to assume that if they had behaved better, fought less with their siblings, received better grades or helped more around the house, they could have prevented the subsequent divorce.

Your divorce may be long past, but some children still need to repeatedly hear the same message. It’s important to explain to them that divorce is always between Moms and Dads! Regardless of what they may have heard when their parents fought, children are never the cause of a divorce. Using age-appropriate language it’s valuable to explain to your children that there are many reasons why people divorce. Sometimes they may have grown apart. Or the love they once had for each other has changed. Often they just can’t agree about issues in their lives.  You don’t have to go into specifics in your own circumstances. The important point to make is that Mom and Dad both love you very much. And one thing is for certain: The divorce was not and is not your fault. You did not cause our divorce and you are not in any way to blame!

Children keep trying to fix your divorce – even after it’s over!

One of the saddest consequences of a divorce is the pressure some children put upon themselves to fix the problem. Getting Mom and Dad back together is a huge emotional burdon that you don’t want your children to undertake. It’s a no-win situation that’s far beyond the capabilities of any child – even when they’re in their teens.

Nevertheless, many children invest time in wishing and trying to make everything okay and get both parents back home again. Part of their strategy may be trying to adjust their behavior so they never get scolded, striving for A’s at school and becoming the perfect child.

Some children take the opposite track. They create negative attention to distract Mom and Dad, hoping to side-track the divorce. By acting out, doing poorly in school, jumping onto drugs or other negative behaviors, their intention is to make the divorce go away by keeping their parents engaged in these other demanding issues.

Again, it’s valuable to address these behaviors head-on. Talk about your children’s feelings. Let them know you understand and acknowledge their right to be angry, frustrated, hurt, confused or ashamed about the divorce. Explain, as well, that they can’t behave their way into avoiding or postponing a divorce – or restoring a marriage following a divorce. The more both parents are in accord regarding the finality of the divorce and the messages they are conveying, the easier it will be for your children to accept the tough reality they may have been trying to avoid.

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Rosalind Sedacca, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide for Preparing Your Children — with Love!  The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook that uses fill-in-the-blank templates to guide them through this difficult transition with optimum results. For Rosalind’s free articles, coaching services, book, free ezine and free ebook – Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right! visit  http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

  © Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

ИконописI’m excited to announce that National Child-Centered Divorce Month has now become International Child-Centered Divorce Month. In January, following the holiday season — when more divorces take place than any other month — parents and divorce professionals in nations around the world will gather together physically as well as digitally. Their purpose is to educate parents about how to prevent negative consequences for children during and after separation or divorce.

We will be sharing advice and insights to help parents make the best decisions regarding their children’s well-being when coping with divorce issues.

In cities around the world divorce experts will be announcing local educational events including workshops, discussion groups, coaching, interviews and other activities designed for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.

In addition, during January parents are invited to access a variety of free teleclasses presented by “child-centered” divorce experts providing sound advice on divorce and parenting issues. (For details, click on Child-Centered Divorce Month button above!)

As an author, Relationship Coach and Certified Corporate Trainer who is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, I founded the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents. I work closely with concerned divorce experts around the globe who are focused on creating the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

2012 is our 6th year in reaching out to divorcing as well as divorced parents. We want to discuss the painful consequences of parental alienation, encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation-based solutions. A divorced and later remarried parent, I am the author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!

I am proud to be working with Dr. Dee Adio-Moses to bring International Child-Centered Divorce Month into nations on four continents. She is Founder of the Better Than Ever After Divorce World Healing Summit. Twenty-seven divorce experts from around the world participated in this free 12-week teleseminar series which ran from October through December. An ordained Minister, International Spiritual Teacher and Life Coach, Adio-Moses is originally from Nigeria and is now based in Atlanta, GA. She is the author of several books, including Live Again After Divorce, and shares my goal of facilitating healing and healthy decision-making following separation or divorce.

“By bringing the world’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities together we can reach parents with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes,” says Dr. Dee.

Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to International Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved by visiting my website at: www.childcentereddivorce.com. Click on the Child-Centered Divorce Month button. Or contact me directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.

Dr. Dee Adio-Moses can be reached at http://www.healingcenterofchristinternational.org.

When Mom and Dad divorce their children are faced with many life changes. As loving and concerned parents we try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. We also try to focus on making this new chapter in life as positive and supportive as possible for everyone in the family.

One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.

• Show compassion:

Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations. Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in so as to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year. Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.

• Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex:

Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt much easier to the divorce. So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts. If you can’t, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious. Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model your best, most respectful and mature interactions with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.

• Start Creating Wonderful New Memories:

This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent’s home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.
By acknowledging your children’s feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus Rosalind’s free ezine and other resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.