Comments on: Conflicting Lifestyles Create Conflicts for Divorced Parents

By: Cindy Harari, Esq.

Cindy Harari, Esq. — Wed, 21 May 2008 23:45:04 +0000

This looks like a great opportunity for a parenting coordinator to help your family. If you would like to explore this option, please contact me privately at CindyHarari@aol.com.

Cindy Harari, Esq.

By: Toby Parnes

Toby Parnes — Wed, 21 May 2008 14:23:15 +0000

Dear Rosalind: I do not know if you and/or Cindy still have contact with my ex-wife, but since she won’t answer the phone when I call and she will not read my emails, maybe she will read this post. Our son wants to move in with me. This is not about her and it is not about me. We have (together believe it or not) “pre-registered” him for a new school for next year. After the meeting at the new school this past Monday, I tried to have a conversation with her, but she just got in the car and drove away. I sent her four emails yesterday, which as of right now, still have not been read by her. There are things that need to be discussed regarding his registration at the new school, such as physicals, medical forms, etc. I am trying to communicate with her regarding these matters, but to no avail. I believe that we should try to make this transition for our son as smooth as possible. Instead of trying to make this an easy transition, it seems to me that she is trying to make it as difficult as possible. I understand that she is hurt and that she is taking this personally, but by doing that it is only making it more difficult to take care of what needs to be taken care of, when it could be so easy. And I believe that this only puts more stress on our son. I do not live in another state. I live 35 minutes away. She can come and pick him up and take him out to dinner whenever she wants. She can still be involved in his school sports. He can go home for the weekend if he’s not working. I am sure that he’s going to want to go home often to see his sister, his friends and his mother. If I end up having to go to Court, I do not think that the Judge will be very happy to see that I have tried to communicate with her regarding our son’s registration for his new school, etc. And, I believe that since our son will be 17 in November that the Judge will be more than happy to hear what he has to say. It is my understanding that in the State of Florida, a Judge will listen to what children have to say once they turn 12 or 13. I get it. I know how she feels. I’ve felt that way for 13 1/2 years since the day I moved out and no longer was living with my children and no longer seeing them on a daily basis. Even now, the older they get, the less I see them. It still hurts, but they are busy with their own stuff. It is really time for her to put her feelings for me aside. We need to work together to make this transition for our son as easy as possible.

By: Rosalind Sedacca

Rosalind Sedacca — Sun, 04 May 2008 13:43:22 +0000

Thank you for your comments. I agree it is always time to move on when what you have been doing and the results you are getting are not satisfying.

I sincerely hope your family will move toward healing — on all sides — and put this behind you as a chapter of growth and learning in your lives. I wish you all well. You each deserve peace and joy in life.

Thanks again for reaching out in this format.

Rosalind

By: Toby Parnes

Toby Parnes — Sat, 03 May 2008 12:50:50 +0000

Thank you for your response. Please don’t be sad for us. If you would meet our children, you would see how well-adjusted they are. They are the same as all teenagers are. I am assuming that you were a teenager once, or maybe you have or had teenagers, so you should know what I’m talking about. They play sports, they have a lot of friends, they go to parties, they are learning to drive, etc. My ex has too much time on her hands, and it is only going to get worse for her as the kids get older. It is time for her to take charge of her life instead of worrying about everyone else’s. We have been divorced since 1994 - it is time for her to move on.

By: Rosalind Sedacca

Rosalind Sedacca — Fri, 02 May 2008 20:14:50 +0000

Dear Toby:

I am glad you took the time to respond to the dialog on my blog that began with your ex-wife. As you can see, it was not me, but a very capable divorce coach (and former divorce attorney) who provided most of the response. Obviously, when only one side of the story is told, it is hard to see the total picture.

Yours is a long and complicated post-divorce relationship that makes me very sad. I am sad for all of you in the family who have to deal with this web of confusion, accusation and mistrust. No one can undo this “mess” on paper. You have my compassion and agreement that circumstances like this should never have to take place because everyone suffers.

I will pass your comments along to Cindy to see if she wants to comment. At this point the only direction you can take is moving up to a higher level of consciousness. Perhaps your wife will choose to do the same. Take the high road and slowly let go of all the past details. Try to create a new, clean, brighter future by eliminating the accusations and focusing on respectful communication — one day, one step at a time.

I sincerely wish you the very best future possible and hope to hear back from you in a few months with a more positive take on your relationship with your children’s mother — and hers with you.

Thank you again for venting your frustrations here. I only wish I could be of more help. Only you and she can really do that for yourselves now.

Sincerely,
Rosalind

By: Toby Parnes

Toby Parnes — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:21:57 +0000

Dear Rosalind:
I am the ex-husband of Gloria Helman, classmom2@aol.com, who continues to bad mouth me and my current wife - and, of course, we have proof of that now, because now it is posted on the internet on your site. She is looking for anyone who will listen to her. You have obviously only heard her side of the story, so now I will tell you mine, or at least respond to her comments as best as I can. And as we all know, there is her side, my side, my current wife’s side, and the truth which lies somewhere in-between. My ex is 56 years old. It is time for her to get on with her life. She is going to be one lonely individual when the children leave home in 2 years to go to college.
Let me start by saying that I believe that my ex is jealous of the fact that I got remarried 8 years ago, and that she has not been able to find anyone in all these years. Gee, I wonder why she is still alone? Now I will TRY to go in the order that you and she went in.
1. I pay all of the bills that I am supposed to pay according to the Order that was entered by the Judge. Does it matter who signs the checks - she is getting what she is supposed to be getting (but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough for her) if she has a problem, then she should take me back to court, which she won’t do because she knows she won’t win. Part of the problem is that she holds most of the medical bills for over 5 years and then she ambushes me at once. The Judge specifically told her not to do this. For the first time in 8 years, she sent me bills that were actually incurred in February 2008. She should have given them to me in February when they were incurred. This time, she only held them until April (and, of course, included with those bills were bills she was still holding from 2007). Next, she says that we have slandered her to all the parents on the sports team? You should hear the stories they tell us about what she has said about us for the past 8 years and about just me for the past 14 years. And, the only reason they have RECENTLY told us is because they are sick of listening to her sob stories all these years and of her bad mouthing us, and they have told us that they feel sorry for us. Her problem is that she has her own issues with a lot of them (which she created all by herself) that have nothing to do with me or my wife, and she is looking for someone to blame, so she is blaming my wife. If she is at a game and we walk up, God only knows what she says, but everyone turns around and looks at us. For years all of the other parents have snubbed us because of all the slanderous things my ex was saying about us. It is only VERY recently that they even give us the time of day, and that is because they are just plain sick of listening to her and they have realized that we are not all that bad. They are not our friends, they are her friends. They are just being cordial to us at the games because they are grown-ups. And, she should be greatful that my current wife is as nice and nuturing to the children as she is.
2. I don’t know what she is so frustrated about. She creates all her own problems. And, if I try to have a conversation with her on any subject regarding the kids, and it is not going her way, then she just hangs the phone up on me. She used to alienate me from the kids when they were little - do you want to talk about frustrated? If I could have afforded a lawyer or even afford one now, I would have taken her to court for “parent alienation.” Have you ever read about parent alienation? I have, and the “bill” totally fits. Her problem now is that the children are older and smarter and they see and hear everything she does. They are NOT stupid. I do not live in her house with them. If she has problems with them, then she needs to sit down and discuss them with them. I tell her this on a constant basis. She even takes things away from them to punish them, and then she loses whatever it is that she took away. They are not happy about that at all. So therefore, they lose respect for her. Who is she hurting? She’s not hurting us - she’s only hurting herself and her relationship with the kids. My wife and I both constantly tell the children that they need to learn to get along better with their mother, but we are not there, so we don’t know what goes on. If you ask the children, they will tell you that we both tell them all the time “please do not fight with your mother.” She has tried for 14 years to ruin my relationship with our kids, she has not been able to do so, and that bothers her. As far as my wife goes, she has a wonderful relationship with the children and the children love her. And my wife is very good to those kids. For years my wife was the only one who was nice to my ex and she went out of her way to try and help her and be nice to her, yet my ex continued to stab her in the back. It is a two-way street. If my ex feels she gets no respect, then she needs to show respect back to the people who she wants respect from, including her children.
3. My ex’s favorite words are that I’m a dead beat dad. She has been telling me that since the day I moved out of the house. Maybe you should ask our children about that and they will tell you differently. Seems to me this is libel and slander, especially when it is posted all over the internet. And, if the children have no respect for her, that is her problem with them. Not mine. That is another situation she has created all by herself - she lives with them, not me.
4. All the payments are part of the divorce decree and Order. My current wife does not sign ANY documents whatsoever that have anything to do with the kids and she is NOT financially responsible for a dime towards the kids. My ex has caused all of her own “duress and hardship”. We got divorced 14 years ago. She has chosen to live beyond her means all these years and if she is feeling financially strapped, she created that all by herself - that is her own fault, not ours. If she’s feeling financially strapped, then maybe she should try spending as much time looking for a job as she spends on the internet airing all of her personal problems.
5. My ex failed to tell you that when my wife came to school to pick up our son and said “where’s my child” - my ex had thrown him out of the house and he was staying with us. He was in middle school. And, it wasn’t the first time she threw him out of the house, it was the second time. She conveniently leaves out a number of facts. And last year, he lived in the boarding house at school for awhile because they were not getting along. She needs to learn to work out her own problems that she creates all by herself with her children. We do not “brainwash” the kids. They are 16. They have minds of their own. Just like all the years my ex tried to “brainwash” the kids against me. It didn’t work. If my ex has “hardship” she creates it herself.
6. Emails - she should really get over the email thing. That soccer mom was lashing out at her for reasons that had nothing to do with me or my wife. And, if she chose to say anything about us in that email to my ex, that is because that is what my ex ranted about all these years to that particular mother. In addition, she once told that particular mother that if I called to reserve a hotel room for a soccer tournament that was out of town, then that mother should tell me that all the rooms are soldout. I could go on and on, but there is no need to bore you, or go tit for tat. As YOU stated, “my instinct tells me there is more to this than an isolated e-mail. . .” You are ABSOLUTELY right.
7. She created her financial hardship all by herself. She has lived in a multi-million dollar house since the day we got divorced. She has lived beyond her means. She has insisted on keeping the kids in private school. Public school would have been fine for them. She hasn’t had a job since the day I met her. We are not “squeezing her dry,” as she states. She’s doing that all by herself and is just looking for someone to blame. She states that she “questions them about me and my wife.” Of course they are not going to answer her. There is nothing to tell.
Just like my ex said to you “I’ve only shared a tiny portion of this story. There is plenty more.” I could go on and on and on until I would sound like a broken record. But, I’m not the one who is broken, she is. And, she needs to get fixed and fix whatever personal problems she has by herself. And, she needs to stop trying to blame everyone else for her problems (whatever they might be).

By: Cindy Harari, Esq.

Cindy Harari, Esq. — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 15:59:10 +0000

Dear Gloria,

As you have addressed each of my paragraphs, I will do the same.

1.Ex’s wife is not responsible for any bills the Dad is obligated to pay for. The only thing she does do is writes the checks and signs them and then sent to me. I would say they both are in on making sure these payments are neglected.

CH response: If New Wife is writing the checks, signing them, and sending them to you, it seems to me that she is instrumental in making sure these payments are being made.

2. Yes the DAD is in arrears and they are part of Divorce Decree.

CH response: If there is an ongoing arrearage issue, you may want to consider how to resolve it using mediation or other alternate dispute resolution processes rather than returning to the adversarial court system.

3.Wife does not sign any documents for school,

CH response: Signing documents is not an issue

4. but she can come to school, if Dad is at work and he has them for a night or weekend. also not an issue A few years back, wife came to school , we arrived at same time. I took my daughter home and wife said to me, “I’m here to pick-up my son”.

CH response: Ouch. That must have hurt you. But think about your children. You know you are their Mom. They know you are their Mom. Dad’s New Wife is in the difficult position of being the stepmother – a person who really needs to be educated about when it is appropriate to “step up” and “step back.” It is a very difficult balancing act involving the emotional capabilities of all involved. It is a process that evolves over time that works best when everyone is focused on the best interests of the children.

5. She LOVES to aggrevate me and cause hardship between my kids and I. She has no kids of her own. She has said plenty over the last 8 years just to cause friction. The hardship is that my kids have no respect for me, she & EX brainwash the kids against me. EX called me retarded, immature in front of the kids. Belittle me in front of them, even yells I need to grow up.

CH response: Since it has been 8 years since Dad’s re-marriage, it seems that plenty has been said and done by all grownups that is harmful to the children. Although we have no control over what any other person says or does, we have the opportunity to lead by example, always “taking the high road” and nurturing our relationships with our children. Children identify with each of their parents – and it is ABSOLUTELY WRONG for any person to speak in a derogatory way about a child’s other parent.

Also, no one can “brainwash” our children against us if we consistently develop our own character and our children know who we really are based on our strong, intimate relationship with them – the bond between you and your child is something you have the power to develop, grow and maintain throughout your lives.

6. I have evidence of an e-mail from a soccer mom who I was friendly with on my daughter’s travel soccer team. This Mom slandered me, saying I was not worth knowing. See Copied text of the e-mail she sent me. I will delete ex and wife names, just in case Wife sees this website.

IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE A VERY DISTURBED SICK WOMAN. YOU NEED PSYCHIATRIC HELP!
STAY AWAY FROM ME. DONT CALL ME DONT WRITE ME AND IF YOU SEE ME, PRETEND THAT YOU DONT. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW YOU.
MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOUR KIDS. LIVING WITH YOU MUST BE HELL ON EARTH. NO WONDER —–AND —— TALK THE WAY THEY DO ABOUT YOU..I SEE NOW THAT THEY ARENT THE MANIACS, YOU ARE.
GET SOME HELP

Please let me know what type of legal term is this e-mail.

CH response: My instinct tells me there is more to this than an isolated e-mail, and it’s not about any specific legal term.

7. Can you believe we are divorced 13 years. No other kids. We have 16 yr old twins a boy / girl. Wife is a legal secretary knows everyone in
town. She sent me a report that I never asked for on her brother in law’s lawsuit against him years ago, when at the time , ex and and her weren’t not talking to his sister or brother in law. Mom is looking for work. Been a stay at home Mom. Because, I’m having financial hardship right now and they both know it, they are squeezing me dry to eat up any money I have left. I bet she’s researched my case from the law firm she works with.

I do not mind sharing my kids with her, but I do mind the fact they both my X and her are causing friction between my kids and I. Everything my kids do with them is secretive. If kids have a sports game after school Wife shows up. After game she’s the first 1 to run over to the kids to kiss them or talk to them. If kids knows she’ coming, they do not tell me. If I question them about their dad and her, they stick up for them and yell at me to grow up and get thick skinned.

I’ve only shared a tiny portion of this story. There is plenty more.

EX and wife have been married 8 yrs this April.

CH response: Gloria, it is clear that the dynamics between you, New Wife & Dad are not working, and they are having a negative impact on you. Since you are unhappy, I would guess that your children are suffering too. You are very courageous to put all of this information out and ask for help.

Your children are only 16 years old. Since you were divorced when they were 3 years old, they have had much to deal with. You cannot go back in time and do things differently; all we can do is move ahead from this moment.

In 2 years, your children will graduate from high school. In some divorced families, Mom, Dad,New Wife, and other members of the blended/extended family celebrate that important milestone together. There are many more important events ahead in your children’s lives. How do you want them to look? What do you want your role to be? You have the power to make choices.

Should you wish to work with me privately, directly, we can set up an appointment to do so.

Cindy Harari, Esq.
Divorce Coach
http://www.solutionsnottalk.com
CindyHarari@aol.com

By: Gloria Helman

Gloria Helman — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:31:37 +0000

Dear Cindy Harari,Esq.

I will address each paragraph to you. Ex’s wife is not responsible for any bills the Dad is obligated to pay for. The only thing she does do is writes the checks and signs them and then sent to me. I would say they both are in on making sure these payments are neglected.

Yes the DAD is in arrears and they are part of Divorce Decree.
Wife does not sign any documents for school, but she can come to school, if Dad is at work and he has them for a night or weekend. A few years back, wife came to school , we arrived at same time. I took my daughter home and wife said to me, “I’m here to pick-up my son”. She LOVES to aggrevate me and cause hardship between my kids and I.
She has no kids of her own. She has said plenty over the last 8 years just to cause friction.

The hardship is that my kids have no respect for me, she & EX brainwash the kids against me. EX called me retarded, immature in front of the kids. Belittle me in front of them, even yells I need to grow up.

4. I have evidence of an e-mail from a soccer mom who I was friendly with on my daughter’s travel soccer team. This Mom slandered me, saying I was not worth knowing. See Copied text of the e-mail she sent me. I will delete ex and wife names, just in case Wife sees this website.

Please let me know what type of legal term is this e-mail.

Can you believe we are divorced 13 years. No other kids. We have 16 yr old twins a boy / girl. Wife is a legal secretary knows everyone in
town. She sent me a report that I never asked for on her brother in law’s lawsuit against him years ago, when at the time , ex and and her weren’t not talking to his sister or brother in law. Mom is looking for work. Been a stay at home Mom. Because, I’m having financial hardship right now and they both know it, they are squeezing me dry to eat up any money I have left. I bet she’s researched my case from the law firm she works with.

I’ve only shared a tiny portion of this story. There is plenty more.

EX and wife have been married 8 yrs this April.

Cindy, I wouls really appreciate some help. You can send me your # to my e-mail address: Classmom2@aol.com….

Hopefully we can talk soon.

Sincerely,

Gloria

By: Cindy Harari, Esq.

Cindy Harari, Esq. — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 17:45:32 +0000

There are several potential issues raised here and my exploration begins with asking questions. I will refer to the letter writer as “Mom,” and the former husband as “Dad.”

First, does New Wife help Dad with payment of financial obligations regarding the children including payment for medical bills? Or is New wife encouraging Dad to neglect payments?

Second, are the payments at issue part of the Marital Settlement Agreement (a/k/a Divorce Agreement)? Is Dad in arrears? If there is a clear violation and Mom needs enforcement, legal action may be appropriate, however, there are excllent alternatives to going back to court.

Third, what type of documents is New Wife signing for the children? For example, are they permission slips for trips Mom does not know about and may object to (and that obligate Mom financially or in some other manner)? Or are the documents test papers that are sent home overnight for parental signature?

Third, how has New Wife caused duress and hardship to Mom & the children? Duress has a very specific legal meaning and elements that constitute commission of this act. What type of hardship are Mom and the children enduring? Again, there are specific elements that make up every legal cause of action, and something Mom calls “hardship” can be explored further to determine if it is actionable.

Fourth, how has New Wife slandered Mom to parents on of other children on the sports teams? A legal cause of action for slander has specific elements that must be alleged and proven by the plaintiff.

In addition to the questions I have posed above, there are others. To begin with, when were Mom & Dad divorced? How many children are in the family? What are their ages? Is Mom working and is New Wife staying at home? How long ago did Dad marry New Wife?

In blended/extended family situations, children may benefit from the addition of a new spouse who does not have their own children in the mix. At the same time, a formerly married parent who is now a single parent (and who now must “share” their children with the other parent’s new spouse) may feel loss, anger, upset, and a range of other emotions.

If Mom contacts me directly, we can discuss these matters privately.

Cindy Harari,Esq.
Divorce Coach

By: Gloria Helman

Gloria Helman — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:44:44 +0000

Dear Rosalind,

He is in on this behavior with his wife. Of course he is upset with me, because he knows in his heart he is a dead beat Dad and has taken all the necessary steps to beat me up against the kids, beat the legal system and has caused nothing but problems with my kids. I’ve always tried my best to keep the kids out and protect them from his behavior and hers, but the kids worship the grounds they both walk on and belittle and degrade me constantly.

VERY upsetting to me. My kids have ZERO repsect for me.

Yet, I have dedicated the last 16 yrs to them. They are twins boy/girl 16 yrs old.

By: Rosalind Sedacca

Rosalind Sedacca — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:35:22 +0000

Thanks for your question, Gloria. Because I am not a legal expert on divorce I have passed your question along to a legal resource I know to make some suggestions to you. There are no easy answers to these types of questions. I hope we can be of help to you.

Have you tried having a conversation with your ex to explain your frustration and find out his “take” on the situation? Is he angry at you and therefore slanting his new wife against you? Is he more neutral and not aware that she is bad-mouthing you to the public? You should focus your attention on him first to see if you can create a civil dialogue with him. Remind him, without blaming, that your children are affected when there is conflict between you. His response will let you know how to proceed from there.

I’ll be back in touch when I hear more about the legal parameters.

Best regards,
Rosalind

By: Gloria Helman

Gloria Helman — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:13:08 +0000

Dear Rosalind,

My question to you is. Is there a law for divorce moms whose Ex’s wife are helping their husband’s financial obligation being withheld for medical bills, signed school documents, etc. for the kids.These bills are being neglected by the Ex and his wife? She signs all checks for back arrears of these bills he owes me. She has even gone as far as slandered me to parents on my kids sports teams. She is doing everything to cause duress, hardship with me and my kids. My EX allows it too.

I realize she is not responsible for his child support obligations. She has no kids of her own. She acts all the time as if she’s their mother to aggrevate me.

Is there anytime of law that can protect me from this type of abuse and behavior.