It’s important for you to discuss her school challenges and encourage her to get help and support. Her education is a crucial matter in her life which can’t be ignored. You also need to discuss this first with your former spouse to better understand the dynamic at home.

Please don’t ignore the importance of looking into this and opening the doors of communication with your child and former spouse. You can’t ignore this issue.

Good luck — and don’t be afraid to consult a therapist about this.

Please seek out professional assistance. You will not regret it.
I wish you the best possible outcome for everyone in your family.
Also, subscribe to my free ezine for weekly tips of value in raising children during and after divorce.

Sincerely,
Rosalind Sedacca

Use “I” messages about your goals. Don’t refer to his anger or failure to respond. Don’t judge or put him on the defensive. Just talk about the benefits for the children. Bring up one specific issue you’d like to discuss or focus on regarding the children. Mention how they are being negatively affected by their parents not talking. Tell him regardless of how he feels about you, this is just on behalf of the kids.

Be persistent if he doesn’t respond. In time hopefully he will get the message. Don’t use your children as messengers or ask them for details about Dad’s life. This pressures and confuses children unnecessarily. Contact a coach or therapist for more specific help. Often an impartial professional can suggest a new approach that will be more successful.

Wishing you much success with this. Do let me know if you get results.

Rosalind

Obviously no one can give you specific advice from a distance. It is good that you are thinking this through carefully before making any decisions, which is wise. It would be best for you to find a therapist/counselor/support group to talk to about your situation to get the broadest possible perspective.

Staying together for the sake of your son is noble but it is unlikely to work without you and your wife doing considerable inner work. That includes talking about the affair and deciding whether she is willing to end it. Then there will be work on forgiveness issues and building a new, secure and loving foundation for your marriage.

If you are both in agreement about this direction then the future of the marriage can be positive and supportive for everyone in the family. If your wife is ready to move on, staying in the marriage will be very difficult. Somewhere along the line you will decide you need to start a new life for yourself as well. At that time you need to create a Child-Centered Divorce, putting your foremost attention on the best interest of your son.

I suggest you get the assistance you need in making the best decision for you and your son (and hopefully for your wife too) and move ahead with that wisdom in mind. Always remember that your wife is the mother of your son and must be treated with respect and dignity for that reason throughout the challenges ahead. When you hurt your son’s mother, you hurt him — and I know you never want to do that.

Thank you for writing. I wish you the best possible outcome.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I am so sorry to hear about your difficulties in communicating with your ex. It is essential that you open that door with him before things get even worse.

I know it’s not easy to do. Perhaps if you write a sincere letter focusing on the well-being of your children he might be open to talking with you. You need to find out what is bothering him so you can start a dialog to clear the air.

Remind him that good co-parenting and honest communication is for the sake of your children so they don’t pay the price in tension, resentment, confusion, lowered self-esteem, depression and more. See if there is any subject about which you two do agree — and move ahead slowly from there — always focused on the children’s needs.

Consulting a counselor, coach or other professional might be advantageous for you at this time, as well. There may be some skills you can learn to ease the tension and open your communication with the father of your children.

I wish you increasing success and happy endings.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I believe violence or other forms of acting out come from living through difficult divorce situations. I blame parents for emotionally scaring their children through their own insensitivity. I don’t think it’s divorce itself that creates violent, inconsiderate or depressed children. It’s divorce done wrong. When parents maintain a warm parental relationship with their children, and don’t alienate the kids against their other parent, the outcome for everyone can be positive and successful. That’s what my website and Child-Centered Divorce Network are all about!

Thanks for your comment.

Rosalind Sedacca