Obviously no one can give you specific advice from a distance. It is good that you are thinking this through carefully before making any decisions, which is wise. It would be best for you to find a therapist/counselor/support group to talk to about your situation to get the broadest possible perspective.

Staying together for the sake of your son is noble but it is unlikely to work without you and your wife doing considerable inner work. That includes talking about the affair and deciding whether she is willing to end it. Then there will be work on forgiveness issues and building a new, secure and loving foundation for your marriage.

If you are both in agreement about this direction then the future of the marriage can be positive and supportive for everyone in the family. If your wife is ready to move on, staying in the marriage will be very difficult. Somewhere along the line you will decide you need to start a new life for yourself as well. At that time you need to create a Child-Centered Divorce, putting your foremost attention on the best interest of your son.

I suggest you get the assistance you need in making the best decision for you and your son (and hopefully for your wife too) and move ahead with that wisdom in mind. Always remember that your wife is the mother of your son and must be treated with respect and dignity for that reason throughout the challenges ahead. When you hurt your son’s mother, you hurt him — and I know you never want to do that.

Thank you for writing. I wish you the best possible outcome.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I am so sorry to hear about your difficulties in communicating with your ex. It is essential that you open that door with him before things get even worse.

I know it’s not easy to do. Perhaps if you write a sincere letter focusing on the well-being of your children he might be open to talking with you. You need to find out what is bothering him so you can start a dialog to clear the air.

Remind him that good co-parenting and honest communication is for the sake of your children so they don’t pay the price in tension, resentment, confusion, lowered self-esteem, depression and more. See if there is any subject about which you two do agree — and move ahead slowly from there — always focused on the children’s needs.

Consulting a counselor, coach or other professional might be advantageous for you at this time, as well. There may be some skills you can learn to ease the tension and open your communication with the father of your children.

I wish you increasing success and happy endings.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I believe violence or other forms of acting out come from living through difficult divorce situations. I blame parents for emotionally scaring their children through their own insensitivity. I don’t think it’s divorce itself that creates violent, inconsiderate or depressed children. It’s divorce done wrong. When parents maintain a warm parental relationship with their children, and don’t alienate the kids against their other parent, the outcome for everyone can be positive and successful. That’s what my website and Child-Centered Divorce Network are all about!

Thanks for your comment.

Rosalind Sedacca