Children are deeply affected by divorce: do it right! By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Children of divorce learn a lot from their parents. They pick up on feelings, both shared and hidden, as well as on spoken and unspoken messages. They watch their parents’ behavior and experience the consequences of the decisions and choices both parents make. Most children can’t express what they’re seeing and learning, but they know what they feel. And they understand what it’s like to be confused, angry, hurt or afraid. If your child could tell you what it’s like to be in their shoes, you’d likely try to be more sensitive when talking to them or about them. Sadly, most children can’t put their feelings in words -- even teens. So, it’s up to parents who are facing divorce or parenting after divorce, to be especially empathic toward their children. What your
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By Sean Smallwood, Esq. Over the last decade in my practice as a family law and divorce attorney I have seen and litigated just about every type of custody issue that you can imagine. I have seen allegations of domestic violence, substance abuse, sexual molestation, and even attempted murder, however, the thing that that appalls me the most is the utter disregard that so many divorcing parents have for the permanent emotional damage that they cause to their children by their behavior during divorce. Many have said that when two people are going through a life altering event such as divorce that their personalities change and their brain starts working in a way that is uncharacteristic of their normal function. In my experience, I believe this to be very true. I prefer to call it temporary insanity. With all of the emotional angles of a divorce such as betrayal, jealousy,
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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Sadly, divorce is a time when we experience disconnection. We disconnect from our former spouse. Too often we often have to disconnect from time spent with our children as well. That’s why it is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children. Find ways of strengthening or at least maintaining your connections during this challenging period of transition. This is equally true, when you are living with your children as well as when you are apart. That’s the basis of a Child-Centered Divorce. Children want and NEED to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them – during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to feel they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it. If divorce has
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Divorce hard for children By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Not surprisingly, many divorces take place during the spring and summer. This gives families time to adapt to the changes ahead. But it also makes returning to school a challenge for many children of divorce. Here are suggestions for parents to help ease the transition by tapping into the many resources available through the school. That’s why it’s wise to develop a cooperative relationship with key school personnel. Before school starts it’s wise to inform your child’s teachers about the divorce and any changes in your home environment. The more aware they are, the better prepared they can be to help your child. After all, school is often a second home for children – and that may be very comforting during this time of changes and uncertainty. Be Alert For Deep Feelings & Raw Emotions You can’t expect
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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC During and after divorce your children may be hyper-sensitive about many things. What may have formerly been routine conversations, questions or activities can now be touchy subjects fraught with anxiety, resentment or ager. This is understandable when you consider that the stability of the world they knew has been dramatically altered. Minor insecurities can easily grow into major problems. Children may regress in their behaviors and skills, become more clinging – or more aloof – depending on their adaptability and perspective about the divorce. This is a time to master the art of good parent/child communication so you can reinforce or rebuild trust, security and confidence that things will be okay again – despite the changes inflicted by your divorce. Here are some solid tips for more effective communication with your children. Master them today and they will work on your behalf for years
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Divorce catches kids in the middle By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC If you’re a parent, divorce doesn’t end your relationship with your former spouse. It only changes the form in some specific ways. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success. Respect your co-parent’s boundaries: Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing
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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it’s been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we’ve made some mistakes. Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience. Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger. Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel unsettled. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation. While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it’s never too late to make amends and get
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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Getting divorced and preparing for the responsibilities of co-parenting ahead? This facet of life after divorce can be enormously complex and challenging for several good reasons: Both parents are bringing the raw emotions resulting from the divorce into a new stage in their lives. Mom and Dad are also bringing previous baggage from the marriage – ongoing conflicts, serious disputes, differing styles of communication, unresolved issues and continual frustrations -- into the mix as they negotiate a co-parenting plan. Both parents are vying for the respect and love of the children – and are easily tempted to slant their parenting decisions in the direction that wins them popularity with the kids. Anger and resentment resulting from the divorce settlement can impact and influence levels of cooperation in the years to come. Parents may disagree about major issues ahead that weren’t part of the parenting dynamic in
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Divorce catches kids in the middle By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Many families time their separation or divorce for the summer months to take advantage of the school break. But for many other families the divorce decision comes in the midst of the school year. January is one of the most common months to start the process. There are several reasons why this sometimes becomes a necessity. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses. Still others are faced with unexpected circumstances that accelerate the decision to divorce. Regardless, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are we as parents going to approach this separation
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Child Caught Between Divorced Parents By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Preparing to tell your kids you’re divorcing their other parent? Worried about how to broach the subject? Wondering what to say and do? Concerned about how they will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with unexpected reactions? What the experts advise? You’re not alone. Breaking the divorce news to children is one of the toughest conversations any parent will have. You don’t want to make errors you will regret. You don’t want to loose your child’s love or respect. You don’t want to break their hearts. That’s why I wrote, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children – With Love! It’s a unique, very effective, family-focused approach that honors everyone in the equation, children and parents. It helps put both parents on the same page and
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