Posts Tagged ‘Rosalind Sedacca’
Sadly, celebrity divorces make all the headlines for all the wrong reasons. They showcase the most unconscious behavior, especially when it comes to relationships. Kim Kardashian’s marriage gone off tracks after such a short time is just one more example.
It appears Kim spent more time working out her wedding details than on determining whether this was a good match from the start. Unfortunately, celebrities are not alone in making this common mistake. Too many couples think no further than the honeymoon plans when contemplating marriage. They have no idea about the complexity behind real relationship issues and the maturity it takes to create a successful long-term outcome.
Divorced couples do. They learn through hindsight about the challenges two people face when living together week after week, month after month in today’s stress-filled world. It takes awareness, flexibility, great communication skills and the ability to understand your partner’s perspective to make a relationship work – and that’s just for routine life experiences. Throw in accidents, sickness, job loss and other major stressors, not to mention the complexities that come with having children, and it’s easy to understand why so many marriages fail and too often end in divorce.
If you’re divorced and looking to find a healthier, happier relationship ahead, or marrying for the first time and want to avoid relationship disasters, here are some tips that are worth serious consideration:
· Know your partner well — during the good times and the bad. It’s after you face disagreements, nursing your partner through an illness and other life challenges that you find out who you are really contemplating spending the rest of your life with. If what you discover makes you uncomfortable, have some serious conversations – or move on before making any further commitments.
· Don’t expect to be “completed,” “saved,” or “fixed.” No one can fill the void in your inner self. You’re setting your partner up for failure if you expect them to fix your problems and love you through your unresolved issues. Do the inner work on yourself first, perhaps with the support of a therapist. Heal your wounds and neediness. Then seek out another soul who has done the same to partner with you.
· Be hooked on more than just romance. Happily married couples will tell you that you have to be more than great bed-mates to make a real relationship work. Look for common values, goals, beliefs and interests. Opposites may attract in the short-term, but you want a marriage based on respect and sharing a future together. If your core values and interests are not in alignment, you’re facing a tougher road ahead.
· Be your authentic self – and don’t change for a partner’s approval. You can’t fake your way through a marriage. If you hate sports, the internet or pets, state it up front and find a mate who loves you knowing this reality. It’s unfair to hide your true self from your partner and it’s a disservice to yourself pretending to be who you are not. Honor who you are and look for a partner with high self-esteem who loves themselves as they are. That’s a formula for lasting relationship success!
As Kim Kardashian discovered, money won’t buy you a happy marriage. You can’t use sensuality as a substitute for good sense. Relationships don’t have storybook endings. They require constant attention, the ability to sacrifice and compromise at times, and a heavy dose of respect for the person you brought into your life.
Before setting out in the relationship world, work on your inner demons, let go of the baggage from previous relationships, and take your time in getting to know the special partner you are choosing. There’s no magic wand that will make your relationship succeed, but these guidelines will set you on a course that will circumvent a lot of pot holes along the road to happily ever after.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a divorce and relationship coach. She is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook: How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! She is also co-author of the new book: 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! Her free divorce and parenting tip sheet and coaching programs are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s free dating tip sheet and relationships courses can be found at www.womendatingafter40.com.
Divorce conflicts between parents can get ugly. And too often parents tend to vent or share this anger about the other parent with one or more of the children involved. The results can be devastating – not only for the “target” parent, but for the children, as well. This is just one form of parental alienation which is a serious and very complex set of behaviors which often feel justified by the alienating parent.
The problem is that children get caught in the middle, are often confused about being told disrespectful things about their other parent and can learn to manipulate both parents in ways that are destructive for the child’s socialization and ultimate well-being.
When any parental disagreements reach into your children’s lives, you are treading in dangerous territory with long-lasting consequences. How you handle the situation could play a crucial role in determining the ultimate outcome in your family conflict.
Here are some important strategies to consider, suggested by divorce therapists, to open the door to healing your relationship with the children you love:
• Strive to maintain contact with the children in every possible way. Take the initiative when an opportunity presents itself.
• Remember, your children are innocent. Don’t take your frustrations out on them by losing your tempter, acting aggressively, shaming or criticizing them.
• Never reject your children in retaliation. Threatening that you don’t want to see them if they don’t want to see you only adds fuel to the fire.
• Stay empowered by not allowing the kids and your ex to determine the parameters of your contact with them. Avoid waiting until the kids “feel” like seeing you. That time may never come. Step up and schedule your time together.
• Don’t waste precious time with the children discussing or trying to change their negative attitudes toward you. Instead, create enjoyable experiences that speak for themselves.
• Avoid impressing or “buying” the kids’ affection with over-the-top gifts and promises. Spoiled children create a life-time of parenting problems for everyone down the road.
• Never dismiss your children’s feelings or counter what they say – even if they admit they are angry at or afraid of you. While you may be right, the children will more likely feel you’re just not listening or don’t understand them.
• Temping as it may be, refrain from accusing the children of being brain-washed by their other parent or just repeating what they were told. Even if this is true, chances are the children will adamantly deny it and come away feeling attacked by you.
• Don’t ever bad-mouth your ex in front of the kids. This only creates more alienation, along with confusion and further justification of your negative portrayal to the children. Be the parental role model they deserve and you will be giving them valuable lessons in integrity, responsibility and respect.
Parental alienation behaviors are not turned around overnight. But by following these suggestions you are moving in the most positive direction you can on behalf of your children and laying the foundation for keeping your relationship as positive as possible.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide™ to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, coaching services and other valuable resources on child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
Подарък иконаOver the years there have been endless studies on the effects of divorce on parents and children. Some of the results are controversial. Others seem to be universally accepted as relevant and real. Here are a few of my perceptions from studies on children who experience divorce that I believe all of us, as parents, should take to heart.
Not surprisingly, the first two years of divorce are the most difficult. In some cases it takes an average of three to five years to really “work through” and resolve many of the issues and emotions that come to the surface. For some, the effects of divorce last many additional years — or even a lifetime — if not dealt with appropriately. Taking steps toward a child-centered divorce can dramatically impact the negative effects of divorce on all members of the family. It will help everyone to move through this time rather than merely letting “time heal all wounds.”
Preschoolers tend to be more frightened and anxious, but seem to adjust better than older children in the long run. Their biggest fear is of abandonment. Stressing security and a continuation of family routines is very helpful for them. Older children understand more, but do not have adequate coping skills and therefore seem to have more long-term problems. This is often because they remember life before the divorce and so experience a greater change of life patterns and dwell more on comparisons between the past and present. Stressing the love both parents have for the child — and that that love will continue forever is vitally important whenever possible.
Children who may have witnessed a troubled marriage and family life may greatly benefit from observing their parents now working out a reasonable and respectful post-divorce arrangement. This positive and mature behavior will affect a child’s adjustment more than any other factor.
It is never too late to create a child-centered divorce, even if you started on the wrong track. Every step you take toward focusing on your children’s emotional, psychological and physical needs as they move through the months and years post-divorce, will be a step toward modeling for them how loving, compassionate, and caring parents respond to their children’s needs. I encourage you to make your relationship with your children’s other parent as respectful and considerate as you can — for the sake of your children.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting along with access to her, blog, coaching services and other valuable resources on child-centered divorce, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
икони на светциOne of the most disturbing aspects of parenting following a divorce is discovering that your Ex has been putting you down or confiding about your negative qualities to the children. It pushes your innocent children (and they’re all innocent regardless of their age) into adult situations that are beyond their full comprehension. It forces them to take sides or try to defend a parent who isn’t there. And it robs them of their childhood, even when they’re teens!
That’s why it’s so important for both divorcing parents to agree never to badmouth one another during or after a divorce, as tempting as that may be.
Learning from your child that your former spouse said something disparaging about you brings up all sorts of negative emotions. You feel violated, defenseless and wronged, especially when the story relayed is distorted or slanted in your Ex’s direction.
When this happens our natural reaction is to deny those lies and then passionately share the truth of what “really” happened. You want your child to get your side of the story and hear about what you had to put up with that you overlooked for so long. And now you have the chance to do just that.
No doubt, this is an especially hurtful situation. When we contemplate what our children think about us and how that has been distorted by their other parent, it can be insulting, humiliating and totally disrespectful. Are your children judging you? Taking sides against you? Looking down on you? It’s only natural to feel that way. But how should you respond?
Tough as it may be, I suggest you resist the temptation to strike back. Don’t tell your version and set the story straight – because if you do you will likely do more harm to the kids.
Children naturally love both parents. They don’t want to get caught up in your drama and hear negative stories about Mom or Dad. When they do, they suffer emotionally. By defending your “take” on the divorce story you’re fueling the tension between you and your Ex and leaving it in the lap of the children you love!
If you asked your children how they feel when they hear disparaging comments about one of their parents, they’ll tell you they hate it. It makes them confused, torn and angry about being in a position where they have to take sides.
So how do you handle this most difficult situation? Your best approach is to stay neutral. Don’t attack back or try to defend yourself. Your children will feel more relieved to hear you simply say, “Mom and I got divorced because we couldn’t get along with one another.” If they probe for more details remind them that’s between you and Mom. Then repeat, “We got divorced because we couldn’t get along. That’s it.”
While it may seem infuriating to not defend yourself against accusations being hurled to your kids, staying out of the fray, and being non-reactive, will pay off for you over time. As your children grow older their perspective about the divorce will change. They will come to respect you more as they understand that taking the high road is the more mature and responsible approach to a very challenging situation.
Often children who have been alienated from their other parent or continuously exposed to negative feedback about that parent will turn around as young adults and come to resent the bad-mouthing parent. They’ll question the stories they’ve been “fed” and resent the burden placed upon them to handle all that negative energy.
Ultimately your children will come to their own conclusions about the divorce, your parenting and their childhood experiences. You don’t want to be the parent guilty of trying to turn their children against the other parent they love.
Temped to set the record straight? Want to show your children how wronged you’ve been? Stop and think before you add to the drama and heightened emotions. If you value the philosophy behind a Child-Centered Divorce, work to be the role model your children deserve. No doubt, this isn’t the easy way out. But in the end you’ll respect yourself more – and so will your children!
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Rosalind Sedacca, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, her free ezine, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.