By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC
After divorce most parents want to keep their private lives private. They don’t want the children sharing too many details about their visit time. This can create frustration for parents as they struggle to find balance in the privacy versus sharing equation. And there’s no simple solution.
Often your co-parent may ask the kids not to tell you about what they did, ate or talked about during their visits. Yet, as a parent, it’s only natural to ask questions. To want to know how your kids spent their time.
Handled compassionately, you can avoid needless conflict.
Asking your children to “spy” on their other parent puts them in an awkward situation. They feel guilty, pressured and confused, especially if either parent tells them not to share specific information.
This complex topic needs to be addressed between both parents. And should be agreed upon in advance. Discuss sensible boundaries, taking into account the age of your child. Children should be able to talk to both parents about activities, meals or other innocent details about their time with their other parent. That’s how kids relate. Asking a child not to say anything is unfair to them as they usually want to talk about things they did.
However, it’s wise not to probe beyond the superficial with them. Want to know exactly what Dad bought them for dinner? Who the friend was that stopped by? Or what time they went to bed? Maybe you should have that conversation with Dad.
For those who can’t communicate easily via phone, try one of the online scheduling tools designed for just this purpose. Use it to avoid conflict related to overlooked messages, event details, school notes, etc. Create some agreements about information or conversation boundaries in advance. Perhaps both parents should share menus or venues they visited that week on the scheduling calendar. Or via email. Perhaps that information is not to be shared.
Get help from a divorce coach or therapist if you need an intermediary in making agreements. Just keep the kids out of the conflict!
When your co-parent doesn’t let the kids call you while at the other home!
Children suffer when one parent doesn’t allow the kids to communicate with their other parent. Whether it’s over night or for an extensive stay, divorce forces children to be separated from one parent most times. It was not their choice. Insisting they have no contact with the other parent punishes the children unnecessarily.
Connection with parents creates security and a sense of comfort. Talking for just a few minutes on the phone, via text or tablet provides that comfort. Denying your child time to maintain connection with either parent is hurtful and will be destructive long-term.
Be sure not to exploit that contact time and overstay your welcome. A 5 to 10 minute conversation should cover your bases without being too overindulgent. Remember to be gracious about those calls when the kids are at your home.
If your co-parent doesn’t want to cooperate in this regard, reach out to a therapist, divorce coach or other expert to mediate a resolution. You’ll also find numerous articles on my www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com website. They encourage both parents to keep communication with the children as easy and stress-free as possible. Sometimes, simply sending an article or two to your co-parent can help. It may remind them about the importance of giving the children ongoing contact with their other parent. If that doesn’t work, taking legal action may be necessary, but only as a last resort.
Always remind your children that you love and miss them when they are not with you. However, never “guilt” them into feeling emotional turmoil about leaving you to stay with their other parent. Encourage positive visits and remind them you look forward to seeing them again next time it’s your turn.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book
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