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KIds are caught in a no-win situation when divorce takes place. Any time they make choices between parents, one parent is sure to feel rejected. It’s important to choose not to take it that way. To put yourself in your child’s place and see it from their perspective. Sometimes changing parent homes can seem like an easier life for them — less discipline or more flexibility with one parent. That may or may not be the case. Sometimes they feel bad for one parent and believe it would be helpful it they gave that parent more attention. There are many factors that influence a child’s decision — often not logical at all to the other parent. Frequently children choose to move back and forth between parents over a period of years, depending on their circumstances with friends, school and parental rules.

So today’s decisions aren’t always long-term decisions. But it’s essential for you to maintain a positive relationship with that child, even at a distance. Create a call/ Skype schedule for chats. Keep up friendly email and texting communication, especially when things are going well. Don’t make your communications only about problem situations. Schedule frequent in-person visits, if possible, along with outings and vacation time together. Ask to be privy to school decisions and other factors influencing your child’s life. Let them know you’re still their parent, still and always will love them, and look forward to your time together.

It may be helpful to see a therapist to vent your frustrations and find new resources to empower you during the time of transition. Life is all about coming from a place of power, confidence and self-love. Work on that and you’ll attract more positive outcomes in your life beyond your role as a parent. Getting professional help in finding your place in the world after a child has moved out of the house will pay off in helping you to find fulfillment from other directions and resources.

Many of the articles in my weekly ezine and on the Child-Centered Divorce website (www.childcentereddivorce.com) focus on self-esteem during and after divorce so do check them out. If you’d like some personal one-on-one telephone coaching, let me know at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.

Sincere best wishes to you!

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I suggest you find a Child-Centered Mediator to help negotiate this process with you. Don’t go straight to an attorney, unless they practice Collaborative Law. When infants and young children are involved, often the parents agree to let the Mom be the custodial parent for the first five or so years, to give the children consistency and more security. However, your husband should have frequent visits and interaction with the children so they bond with him if he wants to be an active part of their lives. Through mediation you can discuss your feelings and arrange an outcome that is respectful for both parents while taking into consideration the special needs of your very young children. Hopefully your husband will cooperate when he sees you are being cooperative and not trying to deny him access to his children.

The tone you take to start negotiations will set the groundwork for future negotiations so get some coaching or counseling advice before moving ahead. Your goal is effective, cooperative co-parenting, whenever possible, for the long-term well-being of your children. If your husband feels “heard” and valued in your children’s lives, he’ll be less likely to insist on unrealistic expectations in the future. If you’re already involved with a lawyer who isn’t steering you into a cooperative divorce, you have the right to question the outcome and can bring in a therapist, coach or other resource to steer you in a better direction.

I hope this is of some help and sincerely wish you a positive outcome!

Rosalind Sedacca

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What is not healthy is when two parents are fighting or treating each other disrespectfully in front of the kids. So if you can co-parent effectively while living together, there should be no problem. I acknowledge you for wanting to protect your sensitive son at this time and for recognizing his love for his father. If living with your spouse during separation works for you, by all means do that. The problems arise when parents don’t get along and create tension in the home. Otherwise there is nothing wrong with maintaining your family unit before and during the divorce as well as after. You will still be a family following the divorce even when you are living in two residences. With that in mind, your children will benefit from your child-centered decisions.