I’m buzzing with excitement to share with you that I recently returned from my son’s wedding. Every detail was so wonderful and beautiful and I am filled with a knowing that happy endings are indeed possible for children of divorce.
My message today is to remind you that the challenges we face as we parent after divorce can reap long-term rewards. At the wedding I experienced that on a very deep personal level. It made every frustration, every disappointment, every time I compromised, forgave or settled on a parenting issue with my ex all worth the effort.
At the wedding both my ex and I were there with our spouses and considerable extended family on both sides. Some of these people I’ve seen over the years at celebrations and graduations, always on good terms. Others I haven’t seen for close to fifteen years. The genuine warmth we shared was inspiring and fulfilling as we all joined together to celebrate my son’s wedding in harmony and peace.
I wish each of you this level of joy and satisfaction when your own children are grown and choose to marry. I don’t know what the future holds for my son and his wife but today I feel deep gratitude to his father for working hard to co-parent with me since our son was eleven. I’m grateful to both of our families for being open, accepting of change, mature and responsible in handling our divorce and co-parenting issues. And I am grateful to my son for bearing with us through it all, and acknowledging us as great parents (he even wrote the Introduction to my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!)
We all deserve happy endings. When you take the path of creating a child-centered divorce you are gifting your children with the greatest chance of that possibility!
My husband and are both the product of parents who had affairs. Mine stayed in it and kept the marriage alive…his split. Our wedding was an equally joyous occasion with his mothers comments sounding just like yours. Two nights ago he told me he began an affair a year after we were married and it has been going on for 6 years. We have two children. Don’t be so sure this wedding is a “happy ending”…for us it was the beginning of devastation.
Thank you, Chris, for your comments. My heart goes out to you at this time. And I appreciate your candor.
Yes, you are right. There are no guarantees about happy endings at any point in our lives. And, sad to say, too many of us repeat patterns in our parent’s histories, creating more pain generation after generation.
The only way for this to stop is through self-AWARENESS — the ability to look at our patterns and history and make a conscious determination not to follow blindly in that path. Your husband did not make the choice of awareness and is creating more of the pain his family lived through when he was young. I pray your children will be wiser when they grow up.
It is difficult not to be vindictive and want to hurt your husband at this time by bringing the children into the picture. Please don’t let them pay the price as pawns. Let your children be as minimally scarred by this as possible by putting their best interest first in all your subsequent decisions. They will thank you when they are grown.
I know this is a very difficult period in your life and I wish you the very best possible outcome. There are no easy solutions or pat answers. Just try to be the role model your children need at this time.
Again thank you for sharing your challenges. I wish you a “happy ending” for everyone in your family.
Sincerely,
Rosalind