Co-parenting Cooperatively So You Can Protect Your Children!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides this advice. Children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.

That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce. It’s a meaningful way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic commitments are made. Equally important, significant mistakes must be avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:

1. Don’t deny your child personal time with both of their parents.

To help your child defeat the challenges and disruptions that come with divorce, remember this. Give them as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, They’ll have fewer behavioral problems. They’ll grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.

2. Don’t badmouth your coparent or argue around your child.

Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. Never criticize or demean your child’s other parent to them or around them. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, stop! Plan a private time alone, far from your child’s eyes and ears, for those conversations. The negative consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.

3. Don’t make your child your confidant – or friend!

It’s hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them. This is especially challenging when you’re trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend – or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.

4. Don’t make your child the messenger.

When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Be mindful that the kids can mess up the messages. They can also intentionally change the messages. Often that’s due to guilt, anxiety, fear or resentment geared to protect one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.

5. Don’t think like a sole parent; you’re part of a parenting team.

When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren’t divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You’re a parent first and a divorcee second. Focus on  continuing to parent as a team. That creates an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for your child.

6. Don’t be rigid – flexibility is fruitful.

When you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent your kids win. Because you’re modeling the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness. It also builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Strive to forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue. Because that makes life easier for your child. Isn’t he or she worth it?

7. Don’t exclude the other parent when you have a choice.

Even if you are the primary residential parent that’s not license for excluding your ex. Include them in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child’s life. Think about how pleased your child will be. Having both parents on hand heightens significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child’s shoulders. They’ll thank you when they are grown.

Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn’t that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She’s a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For more information about Rosalind’s valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca, CDC  All rights reserved.