Coping with guilt after divorceBy Rosalind Sedacca

I came upon this quote from British blogger, David Bly: “Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.”

That’s the best advice anyone can give any parent, especially when faced with challenging times, such as your divorce.

About 40% of our children will experience the divorce of their parents. The outcome is not the same for all families. That’s why it’s so important for parents to understand that every decision they make has consequences. And these consequences not only affect their children. They also impact their own well-being for years and decades to come!

As a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, I’ve found that many parents are short-sighted when it comes to understanding the effects of divorce on their children. They don’t understand how emotional wounds in childhood lead to behaviors in the teen years. And that decisions in adulthood are often based on wounds and oversights related to the divorce.

·       Lack of power: Did they feel helpless – a victim of the divorce that made them mistrust adults and life in general?

·       Lack of respect: Did they feel unheard or unimportant as changes took place in their life without anyone caring or asking about their feelings or needs?

·       Lack of acknowledgment: Did they speak out to share their fears, anger, hurt, guilt or frustration only to find no one heard, and more importantly, no one validated their feelings and anxiety?

As parents we can’t always give our children what they want, especially when divorce enters their life. But we can be sensitive to our children’s reality and acknowledge that what they’re feeling matters.

We can address issues they bring up or challenges creating pain for them with age-appropriate answers and compassion for their plight. They didn’t ask for this, nor are they responsible for the complexities of adult marital problems.

You don’t want to turn your children into confidants, friends or therapists while you’re going through a separation. But you do want to encourage them to share their feelings, voice their opinions and let you know what it’s like for them to be affected by your divorce.

Sometimes, making a counselor available to them really helps so they can vent to another adult without fear of consequences. Sometimes letting them talk to their grandparents, a teacher or a friend’s parent can make a positive difference. At all times, let them know you’re there for them. Remind them you want to hear what they have to say. Let them know you won’t reprimand them for contradicting your vision of life for your family in the months and years ahead.

Remember, you’re not alone. Tap into valuable resources through local schools, churches, coaches and therapists. Take advantage of these resources to help YOU “be what you want your children to be.” Mature. Responsible. Compassionate. Forgiving. Resilient. Loving. And a role model they can be proud of.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce.  She is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides advice, programs, coaching and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is the author of several books, ebooks and e-courses on co-parenting success strategies including an 8-hr Anger Management For Co-Parents Course. She also hosts the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Podcast. Learn more about Rosalind’s services at www.childcentereddivorce.com.