By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC
When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish related to that experience. That’s only natural. But very often, looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major life challenges.
Without that life-altering event, we would not become the people we are today.
I look upon that result as the gift I received from the experience and the wisdom gleaned. It became the turning point I needed to move on to a new chapter in my life. I look back and can say the lesson was tough, but I don’t regret it in the least. In fact, I am grateful.
For me divorce can be looked upon as a gift and life lesson when I choose to look for the reward. Can you? Are there outcomes you can be thankful for?
The greatest lesson in self-awareness comes from finding the answers to key life questions: Ask yourself some important questions:
What went wrong in my love relationship – and why?
What part did I play in the break-up of my marriage?
If I had responded earlier to red flag warnings might I have changed the outcome, reduced the pain, put us back on track or better protected myself and the kids?
These are hard questions to answer. It can be helpful to find a therapist, coach or support group to guide you in finding meaningful insights. Be careful that you don’t get stuck on your regrets. This is your gift. Find the lessons you can learn now. They will become the catalyst to help you move ahead with more confidence in creating that happier future.
Here are some additional questions to consider.
What did you learn as a result of your divorce experience?
Who are you today that you would not have been had you not divorced?
Do you see inner wisdom or strength that makes you proud?
Have you made decisions that are more supportive of your life and values?
Do you like yourself better?
Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life as a direct result of your divorce?
If you can’t yet see positive answers to any of these questions, give yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from old programming and patterns.
I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives if we choose to see it. And why shouldn’t we put our energy in that direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has slipped away or to people who are not giving us the love and support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to a new future and only then can be empower ourselves to create that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.
It’s the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts related to your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of that experience.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that has taken place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.
Don’t be afraid to go within and plant the seeds for the tomorrow you dream about. With love and patience I know your garden will flourish!
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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. Learn more about her coaching services, ebooks and programs for parents before, during and long after divorce at: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com