Grandparents – grandchildren – affected by divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC
Grandparents are often caught in the tensions between parents during and long after a divorce. While they’re eager to help, many grandparents are confused about overstepping boundaries. They want to play a part in easing the pain, confusion and other emotional issues that may be affecting their innocent grandkids.
Since every divorce is unique, there are no cookie-cutter solutions that do the trick. But here are some guidelines to keep in mind, especially in regards to being there for your grandchildren.
If you haven’t been close to the kids beforehand, post-divorce is a difficult time to develop a relationship. But if you already have that bond established, it’s important to keep the on-going connection at this time when the children are facing so many unknowns.
Be a supportive, compassionate ear for the grandkids!
When communication and trust are strong between you and your grandchildren it’s easier to bring up issues that concern you for a chat. Children who are comfortable in their relationship with you are more likely to confide their frustrations, fears and insecurities to you. Keep in mind that it’s always more effective to offer advice once they ask or bring the subject up. Then you can share your wisdom in an age-appropriate manner.
One important word of caution: If you are going to discuss issues regarding divorce or other life challenges, it is essential that you discuss this subject first with the children’s parents to get permission in advance!
It’s never a grandparent’s place to interfere where you are not welcome — tempting as it may be. So bring up the topic you want to talk about with your own adult child or son- or daughter-in-law first. Explain your concern on behalf of the children, and what message you’d like to share with them. If their parent approves, then give it your best shot.
Listen attentively, then talk with the parents!
Acknowledging a child’s pain, confusion and concerns is always of value. Everyone wants to feel “heard” and validated. So, saying you understand or can imagine what that must feel like is a helpful, supportive yet benign way of showing you care.
If the child is resistant to the conversation, don’t push the issue. You’re better off retreating into safer territory. If they do confide in you, be careful not to make judgments about their parents. Listen; offer sound advice they can use, and then talk with the parents about ways you believe they can provide healing, reassurance and support to their children during this difficult time.
Trust the professionals for tough emotional issues!
If the issues are complex, be sure to suggest bringing in professional counselors to handle the situation with all involved. They are trained to handle heavy emotional and psychological challenges. So leave it in their hands. You want to be loved as a caring grandparent – not as a therapist or judge!
Often a divorce coach can be a welcome and valuable resource who provides parents with results-oriented answers or suggestions for tackling tough issues in a timely manner.
If your own son or daughter is unaware about the emotional turmoil the divorce or other challenge is taking on your grandchildren, schedule a time to talk with them. Arm yourself with resources in advance. Assemble articles, study results, websites and other relevant information about how children can be adversely affected by family drama and share them during your conversation. Have some positive and concrete suggestions regarding where they can get help and support.
Let them know you’re there for them, on their side and also an advocate for the children. Don’t accuse, judge, dismiss or demean their parenting. Remind them they are not alone and that most all families coping with divorce face similar issues. Help is out there. You want to make sure they find it.
Your grandchildren need you – so step up!
Remind your grandchildren’s parents how much those children mean to you. It’s important that they don’t overlook your relationship with the kids following the divorce, especially if relocation or other major changes are in the works. Children need, want and value the safety, security and reassurance of their grandparents’ love. Be there for them and you can be an asset in their adjustment to life’s many challenges for a long time to come.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book
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All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca