Probing and pressuring can be abusive when you cross the line

By Rosalind Sedacca

Following divorce it’s tempting to turn your children into “spies.” Don’t go there!

When children are told to report on the activities of the other parent, it places the children in a no-win situation. Even worse, using your children as spies has other negative consequences. It promotes lying and deceit. Not surprisingly, encouraging spying also leads to  picking sides. And it often creates loyalty conflicts for your children. As a result, your kids may clam up, become untruthful, or untrustworthy.

Not surprisingly, it’s not easy to break the habit of inappropriately questioning your children after they return from time spent with their other parent. However, it must be done. It helps to think about it from your child’s perspective. How do your kids feel when  transitioning from one home to the other? Is it tense, uncomfortable, stressful? Remember that when they return to you, they want to know you’re happy to see them and that you’re focused on them.

Interrogation is not a supportive or postive way to welcome your kids back home. It makes them very uncomfortable whether they outwardly show it or not. Furthermore, if your children are worried that they’ll have to “report” to you, transition time will be awkward and insecure for them.

Instead of focusing on how your children have recently spent their time, focus on how you’re going to spend your time with them.

Obviously, there are some common-sense exceptions. Real and legitimate safety or health issues fall into that category. But that’s not what we’re addressing here. I’m referring to questioning them about whether Daddy’s new girlfriend went to the zoo with them, what she said, what they said. Don’t make a situation like that even more complicated for your children. They’ll tell you what they want to tell you. And they’ll be a whole lot more likely to do so when you don’t give them the third degree — or send them to purposely spy.

Children are smarter than you think. Simple communication designed to surreptitiously interrogate the children is not going to work for long. They will try desperately to exercise their right to remain silent. The reason they will do this is because they know that anything they say can and will generally be used against them – in one way or another! Again, the key is to focus on the life you and your children live together. Focus on enjoying every moment that you can.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com