By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC
Divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. Some parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will affect the wellbeing of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.
Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.
- Remind them this is not their fault.
Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad their parents’ relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. But even teens feel guilt related to the divorce. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “As your parents we’re having problems getting along and agreeing about many things which has created sadness and conflict. Even when some of the disagreements are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. So while we may disagree about certain important issues – we both agree about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”
- Focus on change — not on blame.
Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful living environment for your children. Parents must not point the finger and blame one another for the divorce to the children, as tempting as that may be. Don’t burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. They can lead to more peace in our lives.”
- Respect your child’s other parent.
When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that you both will always be their parents and no one will replace you either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.
- Let your children continue to be children.
While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. Even teens are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity of a divorce. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce coach, counselor or support group. Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. This creates guilt and shame for your kids and robs them of their childhood innocence. It also pressures them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.
- Make decisions through the eyes of your child.
Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book
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© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.