By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC
Too many divorces are being scarred by “Unconscious Unparenting!” — leaving the children to pay the price!
Why is the concept of Child-Centered, Amicable or Collaborative Divorce so threatening for some?
Perhaps because it suggests having to own the part we played in the dissolution of our marriage. Perhaps because it means we can’t play the victim — venting about the horrible person we married while craving sympathy from anyone who will listen. Maybe it’s threatening because it means we have to take our children into account and step up to co-parenting maturely with the other parent that our kids also love.
Avoiding the Win/Lose Battle
No doubt, cooperative, conscious, mindful divorce isn’t an easy path and unconscious un-parenting can have its appeal. The goal in our misguided legal system too often is simply “winning” — which comes at the expense of the other parent “losing.” Parents are set up to win the allegiance of their kids … the custody battle … a greater share of child support … more time for holiday visits … the favor of the court – and the list goes on.
Even sadder are the divorce attorneys who fan the flames of the win/lose battle. After all, we’re talking about divorce. We’re in it to win. And when we win, someone has to lose — just don’t make it my client.
So the battles commence, and in most cases, it’s the children who really lose.
Children lose their sense of security, their trust of adults, their confidence in the world, as well as time and attention from their parents. Disconnecting from our kids or influencing your kids from loving their other parent, are forms of unconscious un-parenting. It’s about reacting rather than acting from awareness and intension. Unconscious un-parenting justifies using spite, resentment, anger and hatred as tools. It’s an excuse to sever the marital relationship with acrimony while your children are left to cope with the consequences: hurt, confusion and guilt.
You have another choice. One that brings both parents and their children onto the path through divorce and beyond with dignity, grace and respect. Check out the support you get through the Child-Centered Divorce Network. Your children will reap the rewards — and thank you!
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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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