By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Some parents think once they are divorced and most of the decisions have been made, the worst is behind them. Unfortunately, parenting after divorce is a week by week experience. Your success depends on the decisions you make, your attitude toward your situation and your compassion for your innocent children.
You may have heard it all before, but smart parents quiz themselves regularly to see if they are not falling into some of the traps of destructive post-divorce parenting. If you find yourself making any of these mistakes, it’s never too late to make amends. You may have to alter decisions, change some behaviors, give yourself an attitude adjustment and even apologize to your children – or to their other parent!
Keep in mind, we all make mistakes that we regret. It’s part of the learning process – especially when we’re parents. It’s far better to set the course straight today than to reap the consequences years from now when your adult children ask: Mom (or Dad), what were you thinking?
Most all professionals agree these are some of the most emotionally damaging mistakes for children that parents make when coping with divorce or separation:
- Fighting around your children – even on the phone or in another room if they can hear you. It does more damage than you can imagine!
- Asking your children to bear the weight of making decisions or choosing sides. It fills them with guilt, hurt, anxiety and confusion. Make decisions for them so they don’t feel responsible.
- Failing to remind your children that none of this is in any way their fault. Kids tend to blame themselves for your problems unless you tell them differently.
- Forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad and always continue to love them — even after the divorce! Fear of losing Mom or Dad is an enormous emotional burden.
- Confiding adult details to children in order to attract their allegiance, sympathy or emotional support. Save that for adult friends and therapists.
- Disparaging, putting down or in any way disrespecting their other parent — regardless how justified or tempting — because it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children.
- Alienating or keeping your children from having an ongoing loving relationship with their other parent (for your own selfish reasons!) Frequently they’ll come to resent you for this when they are grown!
- Asking your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Let them enjoy their childhood without adult responsibilities on their shoulders!
- Lying to your children in order to manipulate their attention or sympathy. This is selfish and hurtful. They’ll resent you for it when they’re adults!
- Getting back at your ex by making decisions aimed at hurting them – even though your children will pay the emotional price (such as moving a great distance away, not inviting your ex to a graduation or other important occasion, punishing them for financial problems by limiting visitation, etc.)
All of these behaviors are bound to backfire on you. If not immediately, then down the line as your children grow and understand more about the world. A good question to keep in mind when making all decisions about your children is: What will my kids say to me about how I handled the divorce when they are adults?
You and your children can survive — and even thrive after divorce. Think before you leap and give your children the best possible opportunity to face the changes ahead by providing them with security, compassion and love.
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Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centerd Divorce Network. For a freee ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right! as well as other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit: //www.childcentereddivorce.com.
These are reasonable points and I wish parents that are considering divorcing each other would think about the listed points before taking the final decision.
The truth is that there is no condition that could not be resolved except if we are selfish about making the right decision on behalf of our children.
Things are bound to go wrong at pone point or the other when two people are in a relationship.The best thing to do at all times when things don’t go the way we expect is to think back to how it all began.
The fun,the excitement,the spirit of togetherness of the initial stage of our love life could always bring back the sweet memories of the past and make us remember that the person that is seemingly hurting us now used to bring sweetness,happiness and joy into our life sometime in the past.
The best separating parents can do for there children is to reconcile their co-parenting relationship.
While i get that it is not a good idea to tell kids about the crazy stuff your ex is doing…it is difficult to offer a vengeful bitter ex spouse a united front. But ultimately if anything you say or do in dealing with your ex is something you wouldn’t want your kids to know…take that as a sign that you are acting inappropriately.
Thanks for your feedback, Amy. You are so right. It’s not always easy doing the right thing, but in the end you are protecting your children from complex emotional situations they shouldn’t have to deal with.
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