Following divorce, most parents are eager to see the children as frequently as possible. Often this desire results in heated battles in or out of court focused around custody issues. In many cases co-parenting is the ideal option. A parenting plan is set into place and the children are moved between two homes giving them continued access to both parents.
While many parents may not want to “share” the children, they often realize this is in their child’s best interest. So they come up with an arrangement both parents can live with. In families that don’t co-parent, usually one parent has primary custody of the children. The other parent takes the reins on a scheduled basis. This regular visitation may be over weekends, specific days per month, or periodic visits during the year if distance is a factor.
Parental Alienation: the saddest outcome of divorce!
In some cases, however, one parent may decide not to parent. The don’t want to play a part in the lives of their children after the divorce. This, of course, is one of the saddest outcomes of divorce. The children become the innocent victims of circumstances far beyond their ability to understand.
Why would a parent choose to “divorce” their own children? While this behavior is certainly difficult to comprehend, there are several factors that seem to influence this extreme behavior.
How parents rationalize abandonment
For example, a divorced parent may …
• feel it’s not in their own best interest for the children to be with them. Career, social or medical factors can all lead to a decision in this direction.
• feel it’s not in the children’s best interest to have contact with them. This may be due to drug or other addictions, severe medical conditions, mental health challenges or other personal issues.
• believe having a family and all the responsibilities that go with it are keeping them from achieving their personal goals. Consequently they take off to follow their dreams — be it regarding career, sports, travel or other lifestyle factors.
• be moving into another scenario, such as marrying a new partner, and choose not to bring the children into the picture. Sometimes other stepchildren or a new lover become a replacement.
While most often it’s the father who leaves the family dynamic following the divorce, that’s not always the case. Some mothers abandon the family — usually using one of the above rationalizations — leaving the children confused and emotionally devastated.
This, of course, gives the remaining parent an enormous physical and emotional burden to bear. They love and care for their children. However, they are now single parents with the additional drama and responsibilities that comes with it. They are also left with two extremely difficult challenges. First, explaining to the kids why their other parent is no longer in their life. Then explaining that this is in no way their fault!
The complex impact on children who are rejected
It’s easy to see how children can blame themselves for being abandoned. Often therapy sessions for both the children and parent are helpful. Or work with a good coach who can offer valuable strategies for developing a healthier mindset and boost their self-esteem. Encouraging your children to talk about their feelings may help them better understand what is happening. Compassionate, non-judgmental communication can open the door to acceptance and adjustment over time.
Guidance from a therapist or coach can be a real asset in several other ways. It will help determine what and how much you want to say, especially when the details involve adult-level content. You need to strike a balance in your communication with the kids. You don’t want to wound your child’s ego or self-confidence. You also don’t want to make excuses for a parent’s unfathomable behavior.
It is wise not to imply that the other parent does not want to be with your children. Or that parent prefers to live with another family. Instead you can talk about the complexities that parent is experiencing. Perhaps they need some time to get their life back on track, if that’s possible.
Avoid unrealistic expectations!
Sometimes the absent parent may have a change of heart after distancing themselves for months or longer. However, it’s best not to fill your children with unrealistic hope. Sadly, some children may be facing continued disappointment in the years ahead. But whenever possible, do keep the door open to communication with your Ex, if you can.
It’s your responsibility to create a home life that gives your kids the love and support they need. And to keep being there for them. Single parents can be great parents. Never forget: your children deserve the best — and happily they’ve got you!
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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About The Divorce? To access her coaching services, programs, valuable resources and free ebook on divorce and co-parenting success strategies visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com
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All rights reserved! Rosalind Sedacca
My name tells you exactly why some parents reject their children because kids aren’t innocent as you suggest. They have an innate, yet not fully developed perception of what’s going on in divorce. And I’m so tired of people sitting here suggesting that it’s perfectly ok to have a parent rejected by another parent, and that message is sent to the kids as oh that’s life, just pretend to love someone until you don’t want to then find someone else to pretend with. So yea, as long as the kids side with someone who thinks it’s ok to hurt me, they can go away too. And I think it’s revolting you and others suggest to the contrary making words like honor, love, commitment, respect, trust, loyalty devoid of any meaning. That’s what ya get when ya sanction abandonment.
And I’ll be more than happy to have a free exchange of dialogue to illustrate precisely what I am saying because what’s being taught to kids with divorce is that it’s perfectly ok not to live up to your word, that it’s perfectly ok to be narcissistic and put yourself above everyone else, as that’s what the spouse leaving is doing instead of reflecting on what their role in the relationship is and what they can do better to make things work. You’re teaching no compromise no sacrifice, just make yourself happy at anyone’s expense even your spouse.
Thanks for sharing your feelings on this difficult subject. Yes, it’s very hurtful to lose your connection with your children as a result of divorce. This is a very complex issue. In most cases, children ARE innocent when it comes to divorce. They are influenced by parents who have agendas and can poison their minds against their other parents. Therapists, Coaches and other divorce professionals speak out against this behavior. It’s very damaging for the children as well as the abused parent. That’s why the Child-Centered Divorce Network focuses so much on preventing those behaviors by warning parents about the negative consequences. It’s much harder to reach parents making big mistakes than it is to guide parents on how to avoid those mistakes.
Being bitter and unforgiving is understandable, but it doesn’t lead to the positive outcome you desire. It would be better to talk to a therapist about how to handle your emotions and move constructively toward a better resolution of your divorce. There are ways to open the door to communicating with your Ex and your children, but it will never work if all they detect is your bitterness. Try to put yourself in your children’s shoes. Understand how confused and torn they may have felt. Take responsibility for your own behavior and decisions related to the divorce and its aftermath. Yes, the system is far from perfect. The Child-Centered Divorce Network professionals are all trying to make changes on behalf of parents and their children. But you have to start from where you are today. Living in the past is never helpful. Again, I’m sorry for your pain and raw deal you experienced. I hope you can move ahead toward more peace for yourself and toward your family.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
My mum Doesn’t want anything to do with me because she says she wants nothing to do with my dad and she says she doesn’t love me I don’t know what to do is there anything I can so? I’m 15 and very stressed out
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. You need support from professionals who can help you work this out within yourself as well as within your family. Any parent who tells their child they don’t love them isn’t a fit parent. Of course, you’re stressed out. But YOU are not to blame. Please seek out a counselor through your school who can talk with you about your challenges and guide you in the best direction. Don’t keep this to yourself or hold your feelings in. I cannot provide what you need through this blog, but there is help in your area. Please seek it out!
Thanks to Family Innocence Project for picking up this article on their website!
I am now 36 and was 14 when I last heard from my father. My parents divorced when I was about 6. He would visit my brother and me maybe 2-3 times a year right after the divorce, becoming less frequent over the years. I knew he had been unfaithful to my mom and that was the main reason for the divorce. In our last phone call he told me that I was going to have a step sister soon. I didn’t know we would never talk again, but I have felt abandoned by him ever since- as if my brother and I were simply replaced. I don’t feel sorry for myself as my mom was (and is) the best single parent anyone could ask for. But how could a grown man just leave his own children behind like that? I am left grasping for answers. It hurts.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, Andrew. I don’t blame you for being astounded by your father’s behavior. The goal of the Child-Centered Divorce Network is to educate parents about the effects of divorce on children, especially if they abandon them. Your father made serious mistakes without awareness of or with little concern about the consequences for you and your brother. There is no excuse for such behavior. I am glad to know your mother did such a great job in raising you both. Yet I understand your looking for answers for behavior that can’t be explained. Many parents rationalize their behavior and choices so they don’t have to step up and be accountable. But we can’t pretend the consequences don’t matter for those affected.
You message is so important for others to read and hear. Thank you for adding it to my blog!
My sister is divorced with 2 small girls (5 and 9). Whenever things do not go well in their father’s life, he packs up and moves away. Sometimes for a few weeks, sometimes for a year. He never tells them he is leaving, just dissapears.
What is the best way to handle this? We want the girls to understand that they are loved and that his choices are not not good ones. We hate watching them become devastated each time he leaves or finds a new girlfriend.
Is it better for the girls to just not have any contact with their father until he gets his act together? This constant abandonment doesn’t seem like it’s healthy and I would rather them just not have to deal with it over and over (it’s already happened 4 times in 4 years).
This is a heartbreaking situation and you are right to be concerned. It’s also hard for me to make sweeping statements without asking many additional questions about the dad and his history.
With that said, I can suggest that you do remind the girls of their value, how much they are loved, etc. That’s always very important. Their response to their dad’s behavior will indicate much about how to approach this. If you can disapprove of what dad is doing without disapproving of dad as a person of importance in their lives, that can be helpful for them. Ask if they’d prefer not to see dad when he returns. Talk to them about their feelings and get a sense of what’s going on inside. You may want to have them talk to a child psychologist as well for even more insight.
If you’d like to schedule a coaching session (via phone or Skype) or two with me to discuss in greater detail, I’m happy to arrange that for you. Contact me at [email protected] and I will send information on how I work, pricing and more.
Sincere best wishes to you!
Rosalind
Thank you for the advice. We are trying to remain positive about their father while explaining his poor choices.
We will definitely talk to them about how they are feeling towards their dad and if they are interested in continuing to see him in the future. The girls do have a therapist they speak with and my sister does inform the school of any changes at home so that they can help with any behavioral issues that arise.
Thank you again and if we run into any other issues, I will be sure to reach out to you.
As a child of divorce, my mother protected me by never saying anything bad about my father or his behavior. In retrospect, she was angry, but she never said anything against him around us. These behaviors started with broken promises, missed visitation, lack of child support, and eventually abandonment by the time I was in third grade. She was always there to pick up our broken hearts, while biting her tongue. In truth, I wish she had been more honest with us about him. My aunt had plenty to say, but then my mom would ask her not to say anything disrespectful, so I guess it lessened the impact.
With a total lack of anything negative really being said, I began to resent her over the years, especially in my teens. I built him up as this missing piece I needed. I’m ashamed to admit the number of times I lashed out at her that she was keeping us from him, or that he would understand me when she so obviously couldn’t. It MUST be that I was more like him. All of this years after any scrap of communication from him. It didn’t occur to me that if I could find him at age 14 by calling directory assistance, then maybe he, the supposed adult, could have found me before that time. No, it MUST have been that she kept me from him. I was so excited I hung on his every word, I was willing to believe anything, even if it made no sense given all she had been my entire life. I don’t know that my sister will ever get over it, or the fact that she felt I also abandoned her and my mother to go live with him as a teenager.
Her efforts to be the better parent lead, in great part, to my very unrealistic expectations. The idea of “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” doesn’t work for children who need to hear more than “It isn’t your fault” I needed to know he was making selfish choices so I had something to balance with the great “daddy” of memory that just seemed to vanish. While I believed whole-heartedly that it wasn’t my fault; nothing poor was ever said of him, leaving no one else to blame. And because it was droned into my head by therapists that it wasn’t my fault – it left a very real feeling that it had to be someone else’s.
If I had been older when he phased out, maybe I would have had a more realistic memory, but I was just barely out of magical thinking when he was fully gone. We only ever spoke of good memories, so the pained ones faded. They weren’t there to offer a more balanced representation of who he was.
I think this holds more importance for children who are abandoned. There is no real relationship, so everything occurs behind the scenes in the mind of the child. There is no living breathing perfectly flawed human being by which to compare these ideas. There is no reason for a parent to expect that resentment is building when they have done such a great job of only focusing on the positives. It’s caused issues for both my younger sister and I, although my mother and I have mended our relationship. I hope current therapies like yours do a much better job of taking this into account. Saying nothing bad or nothing at all is almost worse than blaming the spouse from my experience. It skewed my ability to see him as anything but perfect. It made me hurt people I love more than I should have. These are things I DO feel responsible for, although I have forgiven myself and been forgiven. I just hope we have learned better ways to balance our communication about difficult situations. I have spent a lifetime trying to do so.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yours is a perspective I haven’t heard before and I value what you are saying. Obviously there are no black and white answers that hold true in all circumstances. Parents need to be intuitive and sensitive to their children’s feelings to pick up on what works and what doesn’t. Protecting a parent who isn’t there for you can lead to grave disappointment. So we need to balance honesty with awareness of what our children need to hear at different ages and stages. Thanks again for your candid portrayal of a challenging childhood after divorce.
Batterers employ this tactic many times to hurt the victim-parent. The topic is not widely discussed in advocate circles but abandonment of the children is a strategy that abusers use to hurt the victim, with much success.
Using male for the abuser in this case, the father who has beaten his wife or abused her for years will sometimes abandon the children as a way to punish her. This is a very successful tactic and causes the following to occur, which you’ve touch on above briefly:
1. The victim parent is left entirely responsible for the children’s wellbeing: physical, emotional and financial. Being a single parent is very difficult in the best of circumstances, and often the trauma from the abuse is not healed from as well as it should be because of the new solo responsibilities.
2. The victim is left with the burden of financial issues in relation to the children. It costs a lot of money to raise kids into adulthood and beyond. Often times a battered woman does not have a job, or has not worked in many years due to the controls and restrictions put on her from the abusive man. Sometimes she cannot afford to go to school (or does not have the time due to childcare duties). It’s an enormous crippling burden financially
3. The victim will be left with questions and many times accusations from the children, for example “it’s your fault that dad left us” is not an uncommon statement. She must gather all her strength as the children get older and hopefully they will be okay in the end. Suggestions for counselling or therapy for the children and victim is sound advice, however these cost money and the victim likely will not have the time, money or resources to attend such sessions.
How an abusive man parents is widely discussed in terms of threats or trying to take the kids away from the mother, what is rarely mentioned is how some abusers use abandonment of the children to irreparably harm the mother and children. It’s not a common tactic, but one that is very successful if the abuser wants to hurt the victim further.
Thank you for your article.
Thank you for your informative comments and insights on such a stressful topic. Hopefully, bringing this level of abuse to light will be helpful to many others out there who are coping with similar challenges.
I go into a deep depression anytime my children contact me. All but one are now adults. I was a homeschooling mom of four kids in Alaska and was married for 16 years before my now ex-husband moved me out of the state. Our divorce took over six years to finalize. I endured a lot of mental abuse during our marriage, and it only got worse after he moved me out of the state. During the six year separation, my ex made a point of breaking every promise he had made to me. He hid assets that were all in Alaska. He left me with family debt and no way to pay it. My credit is crap, now. He sold a lucrative business and didn’t report it until a few days before our scheduled trial and asked all the kids not to tell me about it. Needless to say, the trial had to be postponed for an additional six months. That meant another six months living way below poverty for me. There were times that I was homeless. Too much has happened to write here. Anyway, my adult children have remained in Alaska. I haven’t seen them in years. I now have a granddaughter that I haven’t seen since she was a year old; she’s now 4. The grief from the financial loss is nothing compared to the grief of having essentially lost my children. Whenever they call (not often) I’m reminded of all I’ve lost and I go into a deep depression. I am seriously considering changing my number and estranging myself from them. It is too much for me to handle.
So sorry to read your story. Please don’t estrange yourself from your children. While it’s painful to be in your shoes, they need to know Mom is there, always happy to hear from them and always loves them. There is always hope too, that things will change with them. There is no hope if you disappear from their lives. Don’t give up. Be persistent and ask to connect more often. Ask to see your grandchild. Show you are the loving grandma they need in their life. Please don’t ever give up!
I agree with Rosalind – keep the lines of communication open with your kids. I think it’s wonderful that they call you! If you can get to a place of gratitude for the fact that they think of you and want to hear your voice, that might be helpful. Your situation sounds very challenging, indeed. You’ve certainly been through a lot and you must feel overwhelmed by it all.
I am a grandmother who has been cut out of my grandchildrens’ lives, so I understand how estrangement feels, and the injustices of alienation. I write a blog on the subject, with concentration on how to heal from abuse and estrangement. If you’re interested in ways I have found that have helped me get stronger, more accepting and more loving, you can visit http://www.grandparentsdeniedaccess.com.
In the meantime, when your kids call, take a deep breath, ground yourself and answer the phone with gratitude and love in your heart. That will heal you, and it will heal them because love is the only answer.
I am a parent who was left with no choice but to remove myself from my child. I divorced when my daughter was only 9. We always had a close relationship until the divorce. I even walked away from all the assets except my vehicle to ensure my daughter could stay in her home. The divorce was not pleasant and my ex remarried within 30 days of the divorce being final and uprooted my child and moved her away from all her family and friends. All was going well until I re-married and my daughter would go home from visitation crying she missed me, which would result in a heated call from my ex excusing me of turning our child against my ex. This was not the case, we where just focusing on all kids when she was at my home to try and build a bond. Then the worst nightmare happened. Upon returning from our first real week long vacation with my daughter and new family, I receive a call from my ex’s new husband accusing my step son of sexually abusing my daughter. My new wife and I were both devastated and confused because we never left the children alone. Needless to say we did what we felt was necessary to help all children and sent my daughter to a counselor who we knew by law would have to report the situation to authorities if the counselor did find even the slightest potential that the abuse occurred. The counselor determined that no such action occurred, but the damage had already been done. My daughter started missing visitation and my step son did not want to be around my daughter since he was afraid of being around my daughter. I had a step daughter who was being torn apart because she loved having a big sister. After several meetings with counselors and attorney, I felt I had no choice but to tell my daughter that it would be best if she didn’t come up to visit anymore, that I would come to see her anytime she wanted to see me. We were advised that this was the best solution for this very toxic situation. We did stay in contact for over a year until I received a letter from her saying I abandoned her, was wrong not to believe her claim of abuse, and that she did not want to hear from me anymore. I was heartbroken, since it was already a difficult decision to love her enough to stop making her come see me and be a part of my life. For 13 years I have battled this. We would have periods of good communication which would immediately follow a notification that she did not want to see me. Anytime she called and wanted to see me I would go. I was able to go to her high school graduation and I did attend her wedding even tho I was not informed until a week before the wedding and was not allowed to participate. My new family did not attend because it was made clear they were not welcomed. I tried without success to get her counseling. The last I heard from her was a text message telling me I had a granddaughter who was 6 months old at the time during which I was chewed out for not visiting her sooner. I was never told my daughter was expecting. The latest is that she is married, with a 10-month old baby that I will never be allowed to meet, and even tho she is an adult and married she had her step-father adopt her two months ago without telling me. I was told by a friend who saw it posted on Facebook. I love my daughter with all my heart, miss and pray for her daily, but I had to learn to put my happiness second and let her go so she could have what seems to make her happy. No matter how many years pass or what is done to me, I and my new wife would welcome her back in our family with no resentment. I say all this to say, not all father’s let go of their children for selfish reasons. Some do it to make sure their child is happy. I would sacrifice my happiness any day to ensure my daughter is happy. Even if that means letting her hate me and turn her back on me.
Thank you for your heart-felt comment to my article. It is apparent that you love your daughter and tried your best in every way to reach out and keep the relationship alive. Life can get very complicated and some challenges never get resolved to our satisfaction. But when our hearts are in the right place we can have peace knowing we put forth every effort to try to heal the rift. Yes, not all parents let go of their children for selfish reasons. Many parents sacrifice their own happiness for their children, difficult as it may be. I pray circumstances move back in your favor in the future and appreciate your sharing your story with us.
I was really interested in LTBs comment about the parent with care not saying anything negative about the absent parent. This was no dissimilar to my own situation. I was brought up by my mother who was an absolutely fantastic parent. My father had no contact with me – not my mother’s choice. She would have welcomed his involvement. They had been married but divorced soon after I was born. My mother never said a bad word about him while always making it clear how much I was wanted, loved and cared for. It has never occurred to me for a single second that his absence is in any way my fault. However, I do feel that the usual advice that the parent with care should never say anything negative about the absent parent is, in some cases, totally misguided. I have discussed this with several friends over the years in similar situations and we have all felt this. Sometimes people are just horrible, behave in a totally appalling way and there is nothing wrong in saying that. If it was someone else and they were a thoroughly unpleasant person who it was best not to get involved with, we would most likely say it but because it’s a father… (or mother)… then somehow the parent with care is supposed to saying nothing! I had a genuinely happy childhood and have never blamed my mother for the decision she took to say nothing negative about my father. We have always been really close. However, if she made any mistakes it was this lack of saying ‘he’s actually not a very nice person, he’s totally irresponsible, selfish etc. Given that I am not the only person who feels this way I think it is something that therapists really need to address. It is obvious you are doing valuable work but I am taken aback that LTB’s perspective is something you hadn’t come across or considered before. It’s definitely mine and, as I said, that of several other ‘abandoned’ children I know.
Thanks, Lucy, for sharing your feeling on this sensitive issue. I understand your mother’s perspective and totally “get” why you believe the truth would have been of more value to you. Yes, when one parent doesn’t step up and isn’t a role model for compassion, support and providing love, you have every right to be angry and reject them. And in those cases, the parent raising you should be more honest about the reality you are all experiencing. I never want parents to defend a toxic parent. This philosophy is only to keep parents from badmouthing one another because of hatred and wanting to win approval from the kids. Yours was a totally different situation and I agree with your opinion in circumstances such as yours. Thanks again for your candid comments.
I am finding it difficult to adapt as a non custodial mum . After years of depression my relationship broke down but as I wanted what I thought was best for the kids at the time I stayed for years. Hoping the relationship would get back on track I got more depressed ans arguments got worse affecting the kids to the point of social services involment they said separation was for the best and the kids were given to him. I’m better within myself but miss my kids like crazy. I am very involved in their lives and want some hope I’d get them in time .
Thanks for sharing your story with such candor. You are not alone but, of course, that is of little comfort when you are missing your children so much. I can be of help in supporting you in feeling better about yourself and your future through Coaching if you’d like to give that a try. It’s important for you to be your best self before moving ahead in having more time with your kids so make that a priority.
In response to the question about whether parents should shield the children from the “why’s” behind a divorce or abandonment by another parent, it completely depends on the situation. My ex and I were married for 17 years and had five children. He suffered from addiction and depression and removed himself from his childrens’ life to “better himself” by moving 900 miles away without any warning. I encouraged him to stay in contact with the kids and even brought them down to where he relocated for visits. The kids were always told that the divorce was not their fault and that daddy needed to work on himself so he could be a better dad. Fast forward five years: I have remarried and my husband has been great to the kids and treats them like his own. Their bio father has been out of contact with them for the past three years because of harmful behavior and comments on his part while he was under the influence of illegal substances. The children are aware their dad has mental issues in addition to addiction issues and while this is not an excuse for his behavior, it certainly has some bearing on why he would act out in an inappropriate manner. They understand that it is up to him to repair the damage and hurt he caused. I would never deny my children the opportunity for their father to reconcile and explain to them the whys of his abandonment and behavior but I realistically also know that this is going to be a reoccurring event until he gets the help that he needs. Until than, he is better to stay out of the picture and not cause any further damage to his relationship with the kids. I am not hiding from the children what he has done or issues he has but I am also not putting him down and saying that he is a horrible person. He is a good person who makes bad life choices and has to realize the consequence of his actions and how they impact others.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Yes, circumstances vary with every divorce and when parents take into account the emotional and psychological needs of their children they will be guided to addressing all challenges with mindfulness and compassion. It appears that is what you are doing.
It is horrible to have to coparent with an x who makes the kid dislike you. I was at at home mom with my kids 100 percent of time. After over four years of custody disputes, and bad behavior by my kids who believe the x’s lies, i am hear to say that I went from wanting my kids full time, to being fine if the never see me again. The courts, the lawyers and the system side with liars, and narcissistic x spouses. innocent regular people are left in the midst of having to fight with all their money and time just to see kids.. In some cases the kis are alreayd turned against them, so visits aren’t too fun.. unless you consider being compared to a narcissistic x spouse who refuses to pay child support while treating himself to every luxury known to man.. and then have daughter think he is the “cool” parent.. well folks, I just want to be left alone. have fun kids with your crazy dad. Moms too old and broke to fight anymore.
Hi Cindy: No doubt divorce done badly can take its toll on many innocent victims. I am sorry to hear your story and learn about the hurt you’ve experienced in the process. It sounds like you may need some professional support/coaching/counseling to help you move on with more inner peace. I hope you will reach out for that if it feels right for you.
I was a stay at home father to our children for 6 years. During the seperation and divorce my relationship with my kids has steadily weakened. I don’t see them very often now. I’m going to abandon them. I can’t stand the thought of having to see my ex for the rest of my life. I can’t stand the thought of my kids being around another man more than their dad. I am not important anymore in their lives. When my ex starts a new relationship that guy will be their new father. All I’m good for is paying child support. Losing my family is the worst thing ever and I know that I’ll never recover from it. I’ll never be the same. I’m going to eventually kill myself over this I’m sure.
If you love your children you would not make the choices you are writing about. Why aren’t you fighting to see your children more? They need to know you still love them and care. Not that you’re disappearing from their lives. Your children love you and need you in their lives. Both you and your ex will eventually start new relationships. That doesn’t mean you lose your children to another man. You need to step up to co-parenting so you stay relevant to your children. It sounds like you need to talk to a therapist or coach specializing in divorce issue to get support and helpful strategies moving forward. KILLING YOURSELF would be devastating to your innocent children. Life can improve, but only if you step up to helping yourself and being there for your family. Please get the support you need so you can be the Dad your children need.
I’ve been divorced for the past 3 years and have had a very close relationship with my two kids who are now 10 (girl) and 5 (boy). I have always treated them like friends and especially with the girl spent a lot of time explaining to her people behaviour, right and wrong, and teaching her many things. Despite my extensive travels I would make sure that I am back every weekend to see the kids and be with them. My daughter at times would resist going to see her mother and would also see some of the wrong actions taken by the mom. So that I don’t let her feel that I am talking bad about her mom, I would always tell her that you need to work on being better than both of us. So this logical approach was working great and the kids were both doing very well post divorce. Over the past weeks my daughter seems to be rebelling against me and for the first time ever has cut short her time with me and wanted to be with her mom. I feel betrayed, I feel that she is ungrateful and inconsiderate. I have always told her that I won’t force her into anything and that’s why I took her to her mom, but I feel I need to show her how bad I feel and that she should know that there are consequences for abandonment from her side. On the other hand, I don’t want to be causing her some unintentional harm or getting her to move even further away. Your insights and experienced are appreciated.
There are no simple answers to situations such as yours. As a coach I would be asking numerous questions to get a better understanding of what happened from your perspective and possibly from your daughter’s. I understand your feeling betrayed and hurt. Remember you are talking about a child who doesn’t have an adult understanding of what has happened to her and how she is being influenced by those around her. I advise you to always show your love to her and tell her how much you love her. Also listen carefully to her if she expresses feelings about things happening in her life. Don’t probe her with questions. Let her know she is always welcome and wanted. At different ages children gravitate in different directions. This may not be a rejection of you as much as her growing interest in being more with her Mom at this age. Or there may be additional factors at play. I suggest you reach out for some personal assistance at this time from me or another coach or therapist to help you untangle this situation for more clarity and to help you feel supported. Don’t let yourself fall into depression, resentment or anger at an innocent child. Get help finding a path that works for you.
After 17 years and three children and being completely devoted and faithful my wife left me,it’s like she threw a hand grenade in the middle of our family.
I’m in a relationship with a single father who has the bulk of the custody of his 10-year-old son. His wife only gets the boy on weekends, her choice as she could have easily obtained more custody if she wanted it. Even with that minimal time, she often leaves him with a babysitter, friends or family while she goes to parties and other social activities. It seems extremely selfish to me as I couldn’t understand not wanting to spend as much time with your child as possible. Even I sacrifice social opportunities to spend time with the child, and he’s not even mine biologically. I’m not sure my question, I think I’m mostly concerned about the effect on him as he gets older. He’s soon going to recognize that he’s not his mother’s top priority, and his father and I want to protect him from feeling unloved or abandoned.
Hi Lacy: You are in a challenging situation with no easy resolution. Yes, children are effected by parents who are not there for them. They pick up on behavior and attitudes very easily. You and your partner are not responsible for your son’s mother’s choices. So be there for him, give him all the love you can, and support him in knowing he is always loved and valued by his dad and you. We can pray that mom gets the message and makes better choices in the months ahead. Don’t ever talk badly about his mom, but don’t lie on her behalf either.
I went through a very messy divorce. It breaks my heart that my son does not see his father. His father met someone else during our marriage and finally decided to leave. He told our son nothing would change. But the visit became less. We did the family counselling and the counsellors and social workers decided that my son and his dad needed to have counselling together. So they were going one night a week until I got the call from the counsellor asking me to pick up our son after the counselling appointment. Becausehis father would reprocess the sections with our son. Telling our son that he was wrong for what he felt and telling him what he could say and what he couldn’t. In the end the court suggested that his father take a anger management course. Our son refused to go visit his father. Even to the point that on Christmas he was at his father and girlfriends and our son refused to open any presents because my ex put his new partners names on the gifts. He dropped our son off at 730 am telling me he was a brat. My ex the second year of our divorce moved away to Calgary and had our son go for a visit. My son only being 11. Went and was excited to go visit his dad only to find out that he was expected to call his new partner mom. Because our sonwould not e dropped him at the airport and left him. To wait 6 hours by himself for a flight. Thank god I had put a calling card and money in his wallet. He called home. I had a cousin go sit with him. Since then my sonrefused to see his dad. He has never received a birthday present or Christmas present since. His father was too busy for his high school graduation. Did not pay child support on a regular basis only when I hired an attorney and chased him. Never helped with university. Then when our son graduated from university he sends me a email wanting our sons cellphone. I give it he texts. And now is trying to be part of his life. You see our son was told by his dad he had a new son. Which is correct and his new son is old enough that he wants to me my son. My ex sent him via email hockey tickets for his birthday. Which my son accepted. But it came with his father wanting to give him advise on how and what he should be doing with his life. Our son sent him the money for the tickets with the explaination that he did not want or need his advise. And when he did. He would ask. He told his father you lost the right to tell me or advise me about my choices in life when you walked out and replaced me. Hopefully I will be lucky enough to have a family that I can live and enjoy. Thankfully I was lucky enough to have grandparents uncles and aunts and a mother who have taught me what a responsible loving adult is all about. Parenting is learned by example and my mom has provided me with the best example. She was there to help me up when I fell down. And allowed me to grow as a person. Dad you can blame her for everything but she never once felt the need to put you down. She told me that forgiving would be best for both of us and starting a new relationship would be wonderful for both. Too bad you do not want that relationship. Bye. When my son told me he sent this to his dad my heart broke. Dylan told the judge and counsellor that he would have a relationship with his dad when he was mature enough to handle it. I often worry that Dylan will have trouble with relationships. But he has a great job is working towards his designation and has a wonderful partner. Has a great relationship with his grandparents. Take my ex mother out once a month th for breakfast or lunch. I insisted when he was young I even picked up and dropped off. Told my son he needs all his family both sides. I just really do wish that he was able to keep both parents. And actually thought my ex was getting it. But guess I was wrong. Having children is a privilege and I have enjoyed every moment and I am honour and proud to be his parent. He makes me smile just hearing his voice. My sononce asked me if I hated his dad. I said nope. I will always love your dad. Look what we made. That always made my son smile. I constantly told him our divorce had nothing to do with him. His dad left me not him. That we both adored him and would always live him. Divorce sucks for the kids. We as parents need to do better.